The fall of a sparrow
by Jessica12
Summary: RJ, Rother- Final part! YEAH! - "Return to me"- Rory goes after Jess, trying to win his heart......
1. Default Chapter

Title: The fall of a sparrow   
  
Author: Jessica  
  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se   
  
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where   
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Category: Romance, AU, angst, V  
  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
Pairing: Rory/Jess,Rory/Other  
  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.   
  
Summary: As Rory finally gets her life on track he returns...  
  
AUTHORS NOTE: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
  
mistakes may occur.  
  
--------------------------------------------  
  
The fall of a sparrow   
  
by: Jessica  
  
_______________________________  
  
I never saw her coming.  
  
You might have seen it coming.  
  
But I never did.  
  
As I walked into that house that night I never knew that  
  
it was just the beginning.  
  
Looking back now I can't help but smile.  
  
I was so proud then.  
  
Acting stupid.  
  
My first reaction when I met her was the reaction I always  
  
have had when it comes to girls: the need to impress them.  
  
To dazzle them with my witty mouth.  
  
With my "bad boy act".  
  
That's always been my identity.  
  
I've always been the black sheep.  
  
And I accepted that.  
  
But she was the only one that made me want to be someone else.  
  
She made me want to let go of the one I had become and   
  
reach for the man I wanted to be.  
  
And I'm grateful for that.  
  
The rains smashing against the thin roof of the bus calms me.  
  
I lean my forehead against the cold window and peek out into the  
  
dark night that surrounds us.  
  
I had drunk too much coffee so I doubt that I will sleep tonight.  
  
But I don't mind.  
  
I never sleep much these days.  
  
I reach inside of my jacket pocket take out the picture that   
  
I have kept with me on my travels across this country.  
  
It's torn and faded.  
  
Taken long ago.  
  
She's sitting on the bridge.  
  
Our bridge.  
  
The sun is setting behind her and she shines like gold.  
  
And she graces the picture with a beautiful smile.  
  
My hands tremble as I ran my finger across her lovely face.  
  
Rory.  
  
I remember that day like it was yesterday.  
  
Not seven years ago.  
  
I remember everything.  
  
The feel of her hand in mine.  
  
Her laughter.  
  
The smell of her hair when I held her close.  
  
Her lips against mine.  
  
And the sweet sensation that followed as I let myself drown in her.  
  
That was the closest to heaven I will ever come.  
  
I fold the picture carefully and put it back in the safety of my  
  
jacket pocket.  
  
She has been on my mind a lot lately.  
  
There was a time when her face seemed to haunt me.  
  
I saw her everywhere.  
  
In the crowds on the street.  
  
When I read.  
  
Even in my sleep.  
  
And that scared me.  
  
It almost broke me.  
  
I thought if I ran as far away as possible, then maybe   
  
I could forget her.  
  
I thought time and distance could erase her from my heart.  
  
And for a while I thought it did.  
  
I pushed all my memories back, far back into a corner of my heart  
  
and kept them under lock and key.  
  
I convinced myself that I needed to forget and move on.  
  
And I did.  
  
Her name was Emma.  
  
She had wonderful golden hair.  
  
And green eyes.  
  
But it was her smile I fell for.  
  
And the way she seemed to see me.  
  
She really saw me.  
  
She saw through my grand facade and she wasn't  
  
scared away by the sight of the real me.  
  
We met in some bar.  
  
She had gone there to drown her sorrows after her first  
  
manuscript got rejected by some fancy publishing house.  
  
I was there to drink the night away.  
  
We found each other there.  
  
And we spend a night under the stars, talking and laughing.  
  
After that we were inseparable.  
  
We wallowed in our anger with the world.  
  
But eventually we found something else.  
  
And I found a love that I so much needed.  
  
I drank her love, believing it could make me stronger.  
  
That it could guide me.  
  
I used to lay awake at night, clinging to her sleeping body,   
  
praying to a higher power to let my heart love her.  
  
And believe me I tried to love her.  
  
And in a way I did.  
  
But not as much as she deserved.  
  
And eventually she saw that and the facade came crashing down.  
  
She stood in front of me asking me to tell her the truth.  
  
The truth that surely would break her heart.  
  
But I never had to speak.  
  
She could read the truth in my eyes.  
  
And a heart was broken into millions of pieces.  
  
She moved out the next day.  
  
It took six months to get back on track.  
  
I drifted around.  
  
Being nobody.  
  
Just a ghost.  
  
I thought about returning to Jimmy but I doubted that  
  
I would be welcome now that they had a baby to think about.  
  
So I drifted around.  
  
Trying to find somewhere to belong.  
  
Trying to find myself along the way.  
  
On the evening of my twenty-second birthday I met the man  
  
that would save me from myself.  
  
My wanders had brought me to Chicago.  
  
I had spend a night drifting in and out of the clubs and bars  
  
that lit up downtown Chicago during the night.  
  
Trying to steady my heart.  
  
In need of human contact.  
  
Somewhere along the way I came across the man that I owe everything.  
  
His name was John McCain.  
  
He was a big man that demanded respect just by his presence.  
  
He had the look of bulldog.  
  
He was almost completely bald and he was in desperate need of losing  
  
weight.  
  
We found each other there, in a dark, smoky bar.  
  
John McCain was the editor and chief of a small independent   
  
paper.  
  
The paper had three journalists on their payroll but he   
  
was always open for new blood.  
  
I don't know what we talked about that night.  
  
But somehow I walked out of that bar with a phone number   
  
in my hand and promise of a job.  
  
The next day I ended up in a small office that smelled off  
  
coffee.  
  
And that was the start of my road to happiness if you want to call  
  
it that.  
  
Three years had passed since I stepped into the office of  
  
"The Independence".  
  
I know that I have been lucky and I thank God for what I have.  
  
How I ended up here on this bus is another story.  
  
A story I fear telling you.  
  
You know what I have done in the past.  
  
You know everything about me so I fear that you will judge me  
  
if I tell you now where I'm going and why.  
  
I fear that you won't believe that my intention is pure.  
  
But they are.  
  
The choice wasn't made suddenly.  
  
It was made carefully.  
  
I spend a lot of nights going over every aspect.  
  
But I need this.  
  
I know that now.  
  
Have you heard about those people that walk through life feeling  
  
incomplete?  
  
I never understood that.  
  
I used to laugh at that.  
  
Thinking that they must be fools.  
  
But I do understand now.  
  
I can see clearly now.  
  
Maybe this is the wrong path to go down.  
  
But it's a path I have to walk down.  
  
Otherwise I will never know.  
  
Don't judge me for what I'm about to do.  
  
All I'm doing to get back to being whole again.  
  
To try to win her heart.  
  
To win Rory.  
  
I know I have no right to do that after all I have done.  
  
Maybe she will refuse to see me.  
  
But I at least have to try.  
  
Maybe she will find it in her heart to forgive me for all   
  
the pain that I have caused her in the past.  
  
And maybe, just maybe, I can win her heart somewhere along the way.  
  
That's what I'm praying for.  
  
So please, say a prayer for me tonight.  
  
And maybe then magic can happen.  
  
I lean my head back against the seat and close my eyes.  
  
-----------------------------  
  
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se 


	2. Learning to live again

Title: The fall of a sparrow   
  
Author: Jessica  
  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se   
  
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where   
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Category: Romance, AU, angst, V  
  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
Pairing: Rory/Jess,  
  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.   
  
Summary: As Rory finally gets her life on track he returns...  
  
AUTHORS NOTE: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
  
mistakes may occur.  
  
___________________  
  
The fall of a sparrow   
  
"Learning to live again"  
  
by Jessica  
  
------------------------  
  
I hope you will not think me weak when I tell you the story  
  
of my own fall from grace.  
  
I've no one to blame but my own weakness.  
  
Maybe I should have seen it coming.  
  
Maybe there were signs that I never saw.  
  
That I overlooked somehow.  
  
Or maybe I just didn't want to see them.  
  
------------------------------  
  
The rain's smashing against the windowsill calms me as I slip  
  
from the warmth of the bed.  
  
I wrap a blanket around me and walk up to the window.  
  
It's still dark outside.  
  
I've never feared the daylight as I do now.  
  
My legs feel weak as I sit down in my favorite chair.  
  
Time moves so fast these days.  
  
I wish I could reach out and freeze time.  
  
But I can't.  
  
Tomorrow will come and everything that feels so perfect will  
  
shatter.  
  
There's nothing I can do to stop it from happening.  
  
He is sleeping now.  
  
I sit here listening to his breathing ebb and flow.  
  
I don't know how to let him go now that I've found him again.  
  
I wish I could.  
  
But I can't.  
  
And that will be the end of me.  
  
He came with rain.  
  
The dark clouds gathered the day he came back into my life.  
  
It was a Friday in the middle of October.  
  
Darkness surrounded the city and painted everything   
  
in a shade of gray.  
  
I had hurried home to the safety of my small apartment after  
  
finishing work.  
  
I worked as a researcher for a local TV-station in here in Boston.  
  
And I was content with that.  
  
Sure, I wanted more than an ordinary life.  
  
But somewhere along the way my dreams seemed so far away that  
  
I eventually put them aside for just surviving.  
  
So don't think me weak.  
  
I've just grown up.  
  
I'm not a little girl anymore.  
  
He came carrying flowers.  
  
He came with a smile painting his face.  
  
Acting like he has never been gone at all.  
  
A knock on my door changed everything.  
  
And there he was, standing outside my door.  
  
Just like that.  
  
So simple.  
  
So cruel.  
  
Jess.  
  
Not the boy I remembered.  
  
A man.  
  
Dressed in jeans, t-shirt and a dark jacket.  
  
His hair was wet from the rain.  
  
"Jess."  
  
"Rory."  
  
Then I was in his arms.  
  
And he spun me around.  
  
My heart trembled in my chest as he put me down.  
  
"Jess.."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"What are doing here?"  
  
"Is that any way to greet a friend?"  
  
"I just.."  
  
"I wanted to see you."  
  
"How did you find me?"  
  
"Luke. I called Luke and he told me."  
  
"Oh.."  
  
"Won't you invite me in?"  
  
I stood there, staring at the image of him.  
  
The boy I once knew had grown to a handsome man.  
  
"Sure.."  
  
I showed him into my apartment.  
  
Into my home.  
  
How do you greet a man that had become a stranger?  
  
All I remembered of him was that year we had together.  
  
It felt like another life.  
  
Seven years is along time.  
  
"Won't you sit down?"  
  
He smiled and sat down on my couch.  
  
I felt nervous being with him.  
  
It felt like he could see through me.  
  
He was the only one that had that ability.  
  
My hands trembled as I took care of the flowers he had given me.  
  
"Come and sit for a while."  
  
My heart went racing as I sat down beside him.  
  
"Can I get you something? Coffee? Tea?"  
  
"I've missed you, Rory."  
  
Our eyes met.  
  
And I saw something there that I couldn't name.  
  
He moved closer to me.  
  
I wanted to turn away.  
  
But I couldn't.  
  
He took my hand.  
  
His hand felt warm in mine.  
  
"I've so much I want to tell you."  
  
"Then tell me..."  
  
"I want to hear everything. What about you?"  
  
"Is that why you came? To hear what I've been doing during these  
  
seven years?"  
  
"Yes and.."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Where have you been, Jess? I heard from Luke that you went to  
  
Venice."  
  
"Yeah, to Jimmy."  
  
"And?"  
  
"And what? What do you want to hear?"  
  
"I wasn't the one that came here.."  
  
"I just.."  
  
He let go of my hand.  
  
"Seven years is along time, Jess."  
  
"I know."  
  
"Then why did you come here?"  
  
"I'll go if you..."  
  
He started to rise but I stopped him by taking his hand.  
  
"No. It's just..Why now?"  
  
"I don't know..I just..I've been missing you."  
  
"I've missed you too."  
  
We sat there in silence.   
  
Clinging to each other, while the rain came down from a dark sky  
  
outside my window.  
  
He talked first.  
  
"I want you to forgive me."  
  
"Forgive you? What are you talking about?"  
  
"For all the things I did."  
  
"That was seven years ago."  
  
"I couldn't take you hating me."  
  
"I could never hate you."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm sure. You're Jess. And I..."  
  
My words trailed off.  
  
"I never meant to hurt you the way I did. I just couldn't stay."  
  
"I know that."  
  
"He told me that I couldn't stay."  
  
"Yeah, I know. But he never meant.. He never.."  
  
"I failed him. I failed Luke."  
  
"No, Jess. You could never fail him."  
  
"But I did."  
  
"He loved you, Jess. He loved you like a father."  
  
"And I ruined everything..."  
  
"You were young and.."  
  
"That's no excuse."  
  
"It's all in the past."  
  
"Yeah, I know..I just want to make it right."  
  
"Why? Why now?"  
  
"Until it's too late."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"I just.."  
  
He turned away from me.  
  
My hands trembled as I lifted my hand and forced him to look at me.  
  
"Tell me, Jess. Tell me what's wrong."  
  
"I wish there were some way that I could change everything."  
  
"It's in the past."  
  
"I know. I just want you to.."  
  
"Want me to what?"  
  
"I just want you...."  
  
His voice faded to black.  
  
"Jess..don't."  
  
"I know. I can't just come here and say things like that. But  
  
I haven't been able to get you out of my head. Seven years is a long  
  
time. Believe me, I know. But I can't forget you. You're inside of me.  
  
Everywhere. I have spend a lifetime working hard, trying to   
  
erase you from my heart."  
  
I moved away from him and rose.  
  
"Don't do this."  
  
He rose and came towards me.  
  
I wanted to run.  
  
"I got a letter from Luke a couple of years back. He wrote about you.  
  
About your graduation. About Yale and how you landed a job in Boston.  
  
And that's how it all started..."  
  
"Started?"  
  
"This."  
  
He placed his hand over his heart and looked at me.  
  
"I started to feel again."  
  
"Jess."  
  
"All I want is another chance. You're the only true thing in my life."  
  
"I'm not in your life."  
  
"But you can."  
  
"Jess, I can't..."  
  
"Please, I just..."  
  
He was so close now that I almost could pick up the slightest scent  
  
of him.  
  
Our eyes met.  
  
"I..just...Jess..Don't.."  
  
"All I want is you."  
  
Then he kissed me.  
  
It was gentle.  
  
His lips just brushed mine.  
  
Softly.  
  
Heavenly.  
  
As soon as he touched me all the sanity went out the window.  
  
I know that I should have pushed him away.  
  
But all my defensives were weakened as he ran this tongue against  
  
my lips, whispering me to let him in.  
  
And with a sigh I did.  
  
Maybe I lost my mind somewhere along the way.  
  
I don't know.  
  
Maybe this was just madness taking over.  
  
But I fell.  
  
And I fell hard.  
  
For the first time in a long time I didn't care what was  
  
right and proper.  
  
I didn't care what they would think of me.  
  
All I wanted was him.  
  
Maybe this was just for one night.  
  
But I didn't care.  
  
I needed him.  
  
I would carry the memory of him with me until I would die.  
  
I broke from his embrace and took is hand in mine.  
  
Our eyes met.  
  
His eyes were dark and his voice was rugged as he spoke:  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"No."  
  
"I don't want you to regret this."  
  
"I won't."  
  
I led him into my bedroom.  
  
He sat down on my bed.  
  
The light from the street pierced through my window and lit up the  
  
room.  
  
My hands trembled as I peeled off my clothes.  
  
He rose slowly and walked up to me.  
  
He took my hand and made me look at him.  
  
"Let me."  
  
And I let him.  
  
We stood there in the dim lights of my bedroom and peeled off  
  
the remaining pieces of clothes that separated us from each other.  
  
"You're so beautiful."  
  
His words were so simple.  
  
But I needed to hear them.  
  
He lifted me up on strong arms and laid me down on the bed.  
  
His naked skin seemed to shine like silver in the light   
  
from the street.  
  
He leaned down and placed the softest kiss on my lips.   
  
Just a kiss that started the fire that I couldn't sooth away.  
  
His hands danced up on my skin.  
  
Like magic.  
  
His touch burned me.  
  
But I reached for more.  
  
Wanting everything at once.  
  
I wanted to drown in the sweet sensation of his arms around me.  
  
We came together that night.  
  
Moving like one.  
  
Our hands moving together.  
  
Like they never been apart.  
  
As he took me to the brink and back again  
  
I fall and I prayed  
  
that this time everything will be okay.  
  
--------------------------------------  
  
I wrap the blanket closer around my shivering body.  
  
I haven't the strength to face the coming day.  
  
How do I tell him the truth?  
  
How do I get back to some kind of peace of mind?  
  
I can blame this on my own weakness but that would  
  
be lying.  
  
I wanted this.  
  
I wanted him.  
  
Don't ask me to tell you why because I don't know.  
  
Doubt has been tearing at my heart for hours now.  
  
But I know now what I have to do.  
  
And it will break his heart.  
  
And there's nothing I can to do to prevent it.  
  
As I sit here the morning sun comes rolling in.  
  
...................................  
  
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se 


	3. Save yourself

Title: The fall of a sparrow   
  
Author: Jessica  
  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se   
  
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where   
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Category: Romance, AU, angst, V  
  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
Pairing: Rory/Jess,Rory/Other  
  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.   
  
Summary: As Rory finally gets her life on track he returns...  
  
AUTHORS NOTE: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
  
mistakes may occur.  
  
----------------------  
  
"You don't know what my heart can do  
  
You never did let me show you  
  
If you're not interested in that part  
  
Give my heart in return  
  
I will never feel it again  
  
What your body can do  
  
If you're happy doing what you do  
  
I'd like to say I'm happy to."  
  
(From "Poor young man's heart" by Kristoffer Astrom)  
  
-----------------------------------  
  
The fall of a sparrow  
  
"Save yourself"  
  
by:Jessica  
  
-----------------------------------  
  
Maybe I was blind.  
  
Maybe I was ready to close my eyes to everything that   
  
I never saw the signs that were there all along.  
  
I have no one to blame than me.  
  
I acted like I always have done.  
  
Like a fool.  
  
The pain is mine and mine alone.  
  
I just wish I had been prepared for this.  
  
--------------------------------------  
  
Daylight found me and caressed my cheeks heavenly.  
  
I woke slowly.  
  
I wanted to linger there, somewhere between awake   
  
and asleep.  
  
Where memories of the night still was fresh in my mind.  
  
I wanted to cling to them, afraid if I opened my eyes  
  
they might fade from my mind and I would be left alone.  
  
Eventually, I surrendered to the coming day and rolled over  
  
and reached for her.  
  
Only to find an empty space beside me.  
  
Her name escaped from my lips and fear gripped at my heart.  
  
The fear that maybe it was just a dream.  
  
As my eyes got used to the light I found myself in her bedroom.  
  
The sheets still held her scent and traces of the night.  
  
I rose from the bed and dressed in the morning light.  
  
I wanted to cry out her name to the sun but I healed it back.  
  
I found her in the living room.  
  
I found her by the window.  
  
She looked up as I approached.  
  
Her eyes were dark as they met mine.  
  
A smile painted my face.  
  
That was all I could do.  
  
Smile.  
  
I walked up to her and wrapped my arms around her.  
  
She didn't move away.  
  
I buried my nose in the soft sea of her hair and   
  
whispered:  
  
"Come back to bed.."  
  
"I can't.."  
  
"Sure, you can...."  
  
I lifted her chin towards me and made her look at me.  
  
"Jess, please..."  
  
She moved away from me and I let her go.  
  
"Rory, what's wrong?"  
  
I sought for an answer in her eyes but I found nothing.  
  
Fear gripped at my heart once more.  
  
And it made me stumble.  
  
"Nothing is wrong."  
  
"Don't lie to me, please. I can see it in your eyes."  
  
"Jess, please.."  
  
I moved towards her, wanting to touch her.  
  
Wanting answers for the questions that ripped through me.  
  
But she shied away from me.  
  
"Why can't I touch you?"  
  
"Don't be silly..."  
  
"You're acting like you're scared of me."  
  
I moved even closer to her, only to have her back away from me.  
  
The distance hurt me more than I ever thought could be possible.  
  
"I'm not scared..."  
  
"Then what is it?"  
  
"I can't..."  
  
"You used to tell me everything..."  
  
"I can't tell you this. All I'm asking..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Walk away from me."  
  
Sorrow painted her eyes in darker colours as they met mine.  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"Walk away now, Jess, before either of us gets hurt."  
  
"What about last night? Doesn't that mean anything? What was that?"  
  
"...It was..."  
  
"A mistake?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Just one word and my whole world came crumbling down.  
  
I asked for it.  
  
I brought it on.  
  
What have I expected?  
  
That she would be coming running back into my arms after all these   
  
years?  
  
How could I be so foolish that I could change everything?  
  
So I did what I always have done.  
  
I raised my shields.  
  
And backed away.  
  
"Oh..."  
  
That was the only word that slipped from my mouth.  
  
No silly remarks.  
  
No witty comebacks.  
  
Only silence.  
  
I avoided her eyes as I backed away from her.  
  
She reached for me and took my hand.  
  
I wanted to break free from her.  
  
A part of me even wanted to hurt her.  
  
"I never meant.."  
  
"Oh, yes..you meant it.."  
  
Our eyes met.  
  
"Jess, please. You have to understand."  
  
"Understand what? I didn't force you. Was last night all in my   
  
head?"  
  
"No, of course not. It's just.."  
  
"A mistake."  
  
"Stop saying that!"  
  
"What do you want me to say? How should I react to please you?  
  
Should I bow out gracefully?"  
  
"I don't want to hurt you..."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"I never meant any of this to happen."  
  
"But it did."  
  
"And I need to forget about it."  
  
"Is it so easy for you, Rory? You just close your eyes and   
  
everything that happened is gone?"  
  
"No, of course not. I'm not that cold."  
  
"You had me fooled."  
  
My words faded to black as her hand slipped from mine.  
  
Her face twisted and turned in pain as she backed away from me.  
  
"How can you say that?"  
  
"The Rory I knew would never..."  
  
"The Rory you knew is gone!"  
  
I moved towards her, anger filling my veins.  
  
I grabbed her shoulders and made her look at me.  
  
"I refuse to believe that!"  
  
"It's the truth. I've grown. I'm not that girl anymore."  
  
"You're wrong! I felt it. I looked into your eyes and I saw that  
  
girl. The girl I fell so deeply in love with back then.   
  
All I know is that girl would never be lying to me..."  
  
"I never lied."  
  
"Then why won't you tell me the truth?"  
  
"What truth?"  
  
"Why are you doing this? Why are you pushing me away?"  
  
"I don't want to hurt you. Don't make me hurt you."  
  
I let her go.  
  
Tears marked her face now.  
  
A part of me wanted to wrap her in my arms and never let go.  
  
But the other part craved answers.  
  
"Please, Rory. Just tell me..."  
  
"Don't make me.. Just walk away now and..."  
  
"I can't..."  
  
"Please, I'm asking you to go and don't come back.."  
  
"How can you say that?"  
  
"I'm saving you..."  
  
"Saving me?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"From what?"  
  
"The pain."  
  
"The pain of what?"  
  
"Of having your heart broken."  
  
My hands trembled as I framed her face between my hands and made  
  
her look at me.  
  
My voice was barely a whisper as I spoke:  
  
"Just tell me. I can handle it..."  
  
She closed her eyes in a weak attempt to shut the world out.  
  
Finally she spoke:  
  
"I'm engaged to be married."  
  
The pain struck me right in the chest and made me stumble backwards.  
  
"What?"  
  
"His name is Ben. Ben Cooper."  
  
"No. You're lying."  
  
I backed away.  
  
Her tears made the truth so much clearer.  
  
"It's the truth. I meant to tell you last night..But.."  
  
"You're not wearing a ring."  
  
"I have it in a my nightstand. I didn't wear it last night because..."  
  
"Why are you doing this?"  
  
"It's the truth. I never meant to tell you this way..."  
  
"So everything last night was just...."  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
"A mistake."  
  
"Yes."  
  
How can I describe the pain that ripped through me in that moment?  
  
How could I put my heart on the line like that?  
  
I thought I was stronger than that.  
  
Maybe I was wrong.  
  
But she was the only one that had the ability to really hurt me.  
  
Because she was the only one I have ever really loved.  
  
And now I was losing her.  
  
The need to run came suddenly and I backed away.  
  
I needed time to face everything.  
  
I needed to fall back and rebuild the wall around my heart.  
  
I felt foolish.  
  
Blind.  
  
It would be so easy if I didn't feel anything.  
  
Why couldn't I be that strong that her words couldn't touch me?  
  
Guess I was weak after all.  
  
Suddenly her hand touched mine.  
  
"Jess, please..I never...Talk to me.."  
  
"What do you want me to say?"  
  
"Anything."  
  
"I'll leave as soon as I can gather my things."  
  
The morning sun warmed my face as I walked into the bedroom and  
  
gathered the last remaining things.  
  
The bed seemed to call out to me.  
  
FOOL!  
  
She stood by the door.  
  
Her eyes met mine as I moved towards her.  
  
My hands trembled as I opened the front door to her apartment.  
  
MAKE ME STAY! SAY SOMETHING FOR GOD'S SAKE!  
  
Her hands brushed mine and I looked back at her.  
  
"Jess, please. I don't want you to leave this way."  
  
"What way?"  
  
"I couldn't bare you hating me."  
  
"I could never hate you...Don't worry about me. I'll get through  
  
this. As you said..You saved me..."  
  
"Jess..."  
  
"Don't Rory. There's nothing more to say..."  
  
She let go.  
  
As I walked through the door and had it close behind me a part  
  
of me broke into millions of pieces.  
  
Outside the rain painted the sidewalks in silver.  
  
I didn't mind the cold the rain brought with it.  
  
I welcomed it.  
  
I started to walk.  
  
To where I don't know.  
  
All I wanted was to get as far away as possible.  
  
I did what I always have done.  
  
I ran.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se 


	4. You'll get through this

Title: The fall of a sparrow   
  
Author: Jessica  
  
----------------------  
  
"Spent a long time now persuading myself  
  
That I don't need no-one  
  
Nobody else  
  
That I'd felt all there was to feel  
  
I know if I should live one hundred years  
  
I'ld never see another face like yours  
  
On stranger seas or brighter shores  
  
Cos I know  
  
That my love is real."  
  
( From "If your love is real" by David Gray)  
  
-----------------------------------  
  
The fall of a sparrow  
  
"You'll get through this"  
  
by: Jessica  
  
-----------------------  
  
A sad love song streamed out from the old jukebox.  
  
Words like "eternity" and "love" seemed to surge  
  
and sway in the air around me.  
  
The bar was dark and smoky.  
  
I had been up half the night searching for something, anything,  
  
to ease the pain inside.  
  
Eventually I ended up here, in the middle of nowhere.  
  
All the lost souls of this world seemed to have  
  
gathered here.  
  
I had come to search for answers in a bottle of whiskey.  
  
I had come to fight the demons that seemed to surround me  
  
these days.  
  
The hours seemed so long as night wrapped its coat around me.  
  
I kept hearing her voice as she told me the truth.  
  
I kept seeing her face as she proclaimed that it all was a mistake.  
  
All I wanted was to erase that day from my mind.  
  
But her scent still seemed to linger.  
  
I could still taste her on me.  
  
I could still remember her hand against my skin.  
  
And that would surely be the death of me.  
  
Her name was Mandy and she approached me first.  
  
She couldn't be older than nineteen but at the moment I didn't care.  
  
She sat down beside me at the bar.  
  
She wore a short, little, skirt and the smallest shirt I ever seen.  
  
"Buy me a drink, handsome."  
  
Her voice was rugged.  
  
She placed her hand on my knee and leaned closer.  
  
It was obvious what she was looking for.  
  
A part of me wanted to tell her to go away.  
  
But the other part craved human contact.  
  
As I looked at her I knew that she was what I needed to erase  
  
the pain that kept tugging at my heart.  
  
Her hair was blonde and was pulled back into a high ponytail.  
  
She wore too much make-up for a little mouth and blue, narrow eyes.  
  
"What will you have?"  
  
"What ever you're having, honey."  
  
She gave me a smile and settled down in the chair beside mine.  
  
I ordered her a whiskey and returned to starring down into my glass.  
  
"What brings you here then?"  
  
"What's it to you?"  
  
"Oh, nothing. It's just I haven't been seeing you around here..."  
  
"I'm not from around here..."  
  
I didn't know why I was telling her.  
  
"Oh, where you from?"  
  
"Nowhere..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nowhere, everywhere..."  
  
"So what are you doing here, mister?"  
  
"Nothing, absolutely nothing...."  
  
"HAHA, you can't fool me..."  
  
"I don't care what you think."  
  
"I've seen that look a thousand times before..."  
  
I kept staring into my glass as she leaned closer.  
  
She smelled of cheap perfume and cigarettes.  
  
"What look?"  
  
"Who is she?"  
  
"No one...."  
  
"I'm sure that she is not 'no one'."  
  
"Whatever!"  
  
"Mister, I'll give you some advice.."  
  
I turned towards her.  
  
Anger filling my veins.  
  
"Look, HONEY...Leave me the fuck alone..."  
  
"Don't need to get ruff me with me. You looked lonely..."  
  
"I'm not lonely..."  
  
"Then why are you here? There's nothing but lonely people here.."  
  
I have nowhere to go.  
  
"I just..."  
  
She took my hand and made me look at her.  
  
Her blue eyes pierced into me.  
  
"Want to dance with me, sugar? It's free.."  
  
"No, I just..."  
  
She rose and pulled me up.  
  
"Come on."  
  
Some sappy ballad filled the air as we made our way onto the  
  
small dance floor.  
  
She pulled me closer to her and with a sigh I surrendered.  
  
We swayed to the music, moving like one.  
  
My mind felt blurry as her hands moved across my back.  
  
"Maybe, I will give it to you for free..."  
  
Then she kissed me.  
  
Her lips were greedy as they forced me to surrender.  
  
I wanted to move away.  
  
But I needed to erase the taste of another so I drowned in her.  
  
I pulled her closer to me.  
  
She pushed away from me and looked at me:  
  
"Not here, sugar. Not here."  
  
She took my hand and led me towards the bar.  
  
I paid my way and followed her out the door, just like a dog  
  
following its master.  
  
The cold, night air struck me and I pulled my jacket closer to my  
  
shivering body.  
  
The liquor that ran through my veins made my mind blurry.  
  
She took my hand and said:  
  
"Let's get a cab..."  
  
"Where to?"  
  
"Wherever you want to go, sugar."  
  
"I don't know..."  
  
"Where are you staying?"  
  
"Nowhere..."  
  
"Oh, honey..."  
  
"I just..."  
  
"I know..."  
  
She hailed a cab and took my hand.  
  
I stumbled towards the car, hardly seeing anything.  
  
She took me to some motel.  
  
The room wasn't big.  
  
She had taken money from my wallet to pay for the room.  
  
I stumbled towards her.  
  
My mouth found its way to hers and I pulled at her clothes.  
  
Wanting to feel something else that the numbing pain.  
  
Wanting replace a memory with another.  
  
I wanted to prove to myself that I didn't need anyone.  
  
At least of all Rory.  
  
"Slow down, mister. We got all night..."  
  
She slipped from my grasp and made her way into the bathroom.  
  
I sat down on the bed.  
  
My hands trembled but I tried to ignore it.  
  
"Are you ready, Hon?"  
  
She stood in the doorway to the bathroom.  
  
She was dressed in just a black bra and panties.  
  
Her hair was down.  
  
She came towards me.  
  
Her eyes were dark.  
  
She pushed me down on the bed and wrapped her long legs around   
  
my waist.  
  
"Just calm down. I'll make it all go away."  
  
Her hands started to unbutton my shirt as her mouth found its way  
  
down my neck and towards my chest.  
  
My hands went up and down her back.  
  
My mouth found hers and I drowned in the sweet sensation as our  
  
tongues met.  
  
She tasted different.  
  
She felt different.  
  
Her hand seemed to be everywhere at once.  
  
Feeling.  
  
Touching.  
  
Caressing.  
  
Driving me mad.  
  
Then another face came to me.  
  
A face that I tried to forget.  
  
Memories came crashing down at me as her hand found its way down   
  
to the center of my being.  
  
I tried to ignore the voices inside of my head and tried to  
  
focus on the feelings she could give rise to.  
  
But all I could see was the face of the woman I had lost.  
  
And that drove me to push her away from me.  
  
A cry escaped from my lips:  
  
"I CAN'T!"  
  
I flew from the bed like it was made of fire.  
  
Her eyes were wild and dark as she looked at me.  
  
"I'm sorry, sugar, if it was something I did..."  
  
"No..It's just...I can't...."  
  
The need to escape came suddenly and I grabbed my things and rushed  
  
out the door.  
  
I ran as far away as my legs could carry me.  
  
The rain came suddenly.  
  
I had acted like a schoolboy, running like I did.  
  
I had tried to chase away demons.  
  
The memory of her.  
  
Of Rory.  
  
But all it did was causing more pain.  
  
I couldn't breathe.  
  
How could I make this pain go away?  
  
It would be so easy if I just could let go.  
  
If I just could put it behind me.  
  
But she was inside of me.  
  
Everywhere around me.  
  
I had thought if I ran as far away as possible, maybe then I would  
  
be okay.  
  
If I gave myself to another then the pain inside would go away.  
  
How wrong I was.  
  
I stumbled forward on weak legs.  
  
Drifting in and out of sanity.  
  
Talking to the heavens.  
  
Begging for release from this pain.  
  
As the rain kept falling from a darken sky I screamed:  
  
"PLEASE GOD SHOW ME HOW TO STOP LOVING HER!"  
  
But all I found was silence.  
  
I bowed my head and surrendered.  
  
I never saw the other car until it was too late.  
  
----------------------------------  
  
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se 


	5. A moment of grace

Title: The fall of a sparrow  
  
Author: Jessica  
  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
---------------------------------  
  
"He was my north, my south, my east and west  
  
My working week and my Sunday rest  
  
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song  
  
I thought that love would last forever, I was wrong  
  
  
  
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one  
  
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun  
  
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood  
  
For nothing now can ever come to any good."  
  
( From "Funeral Blues" by W.H Auden )  
  
----------------------  
  
The fall of a sparrow  
  
"A moment of grace"  
  
by: Jessica  
  
---------------------  
  
It seemed that it had been raining for days.  
  
It seemed like we hadn't seen daylight for years.  
  
Shadows played a game of cat and mouse with the candle  
  
that burned on the table.  
  
The door made a squeaking sound as it was pushed open.  
  
The candle that seemed to shine so bright suddenly flickered   
  
and died away.  
  
She stood in the doorway for a while.  
  
Her face was pale and her eyes seemed to occupy her whole face.  
  
I rose from my chair and walked towards her.  
  
All I could do was whisper:  
  
"Mum."  
  
I fell into her arms and I let myself be held.  
  
We stood there for a while.  
  
Clinging to each other.  
  
She spoke first.  
  
"How is he?"  
  
"No change."  
  
I broke free from her arms and moved towards the bed.  
  
I sat down on the chair by the bed and took his hand.  
  
She closed the door and sat down beside me.  
  
"Have you eaten?"  
  
"I will."  
  
"You got to eat."  
  
"I know."  
  
His hand felt so cold in mine.  
  
His face was so pale, almost transparent.  
  
"What are the doctors saying?"  
  
"He was lucky..."  
  
I couldn't bear looking at her.  
  
My voice was barely a whisper as I continued:  
  
"The leg is broken, two ribs but mostly they are afraid of...."  
  
"What?"  
  
"They say..They told me..If he doesn't wake up in the coming days then  
  
he might never..."  
  
My words faded to black.  
  
"Oh..honey..."  
  
She took my free hand.  
  
I almost wanted to back away from her.  
  
She had come to ease my pain.  
  
But not even her presence here could ease the pain that kept  
  
eating at my heart.  
  
Two days had gone by since I got the call that broke me in two.  
  
Two days ago I was okay.  
  
How different life was then.  
  
I could breathe.  
  
The sun still warmed my face.  
  
Now I'm sitting here, clinging to every breath that shimmers  
  
out from his broken body.  
  
"Honey..please..talk to me.."  
  
Her voice pierces the silence of the room.  
  
Her hand trembles a bit as it touches my cheek and forces me to  
  
look at her.  
  
I close my eyes in a weak attempt to shut the coming flood out.  
  
My voice is a barely a whisper:  
  
"What do you want me to say?"  
  
"Say anything."  
  
I open my eyes and look at my mother.  
  
"I can't..I don't know....."  
  
"Honey..."  
  
"I never thought...this could happen...I was.."  
  
"He will make it through this..."  
  
"I can't...I don't know how to let him go...Not now.."  
  
"What? I don't understand.."  
  
"He came to me...He had flowers and..."  
  
"Rory..."  
  
"Seven years. Seven years and not a word. I know that I should  
  
be angry and I should have shut the door..But I couldn't...He is  
  
Jess."  
  
Memories came creeping back from that night.  
  
I welcomed the sight of them.  
  
"He is strong. He will come back to us."  
  
"But you don't understand."  
  
"Understand what?"  
  
"I shut him out."  
  
"But you just said..."  
  
Tears blocked my sight as I looked at my mother.  
  
How could I tell her the truth without hurting her?  
  
Without breaking her picture of the perfect daughter?  
  
"I never meant it to happen..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"He just..I can't remember who kissed who first...I just..."  
  
"Oh, Rory..."  
  
"But afterwards...After he had fallen asleep beside me...I laid there  
  
in his arms and I could see everything I had built falling apart right  
  
before my eyes...So I got scared...and I..."  
  
Her eyes were dark as they met mine.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"I told him to go...He told me so many things. Beautiful things..and  
  
I backed away. I never meant to hurt him."  
  
"I'm sure you didn't..."  
  
"That's just it...I told him the truth..I told him everything."  
  
"About Ben?"  
  
"Yeah, everything. And you should have seen his eyes when I told him.  
  
He kept looking at me with those eyes. And I swear that I could  
  
almost see as his heart broke... And now this.."  
  
"You can't blame yourself for this. You have nothing to do with   
  
what happened. It was an accident."  
  
"How do you know that? He just left and I hadn't the chance to  
  
explain..To really talk to him."  
  
"Rory. It was an accident."  
  
"But that doesn't diminish what I did."  
  
"You did nothing wrong."  
  
"I hurt two people...Jess...and..."  
  
"Ben?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Does he know?"  
  
"No, he's in New York, some meeting. He will back the day after   
  
tomorrow."  
  
"What will you do?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
I gripped at her hand and looked at her.  
  
"I wish I could tell you what to do...But I can't..."  
  
"Please, I need to know what to do..What's the right thing..."  
  
"I can't answer that. You're the only one to answer that and you  
  
know that..."  
  
"But..."  
  
She let go of my hand and rose.  
  
"I'll get some coffee..."  
  
"Please, mum."  
  
"No, Rory. I can't help you now...Don't doubt your heart..."  
  
Then she walked out the door.  
  
And left me there, wondering.  
  
------------------------------------  
  
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se 


	6. Remember that I love you

Title: The fall of a sparrow   
  
Author: Jessica  
  
----------------------  
  
"I said you're the one  
  
The one to hold me  
  
But I guess he said that too  
  
No surprise."  
  
(From "How come your arms are not around me"   
  
by Kristoffer Astrom)  
  
............................  
  
The fall of a sparrow   
  
"Remember that I love you."  
  
by: Jessica  
  
................  
  
He sensed the change in her almost at once.  
  
She had this way about it that you could tell just by  
  
looking at her that something was wrong.  
  
She was waiting at the gate as he landed.  
  
They had talked on the phone the night before but her voice  
  
had been calm and normal.  
  
But as she stood before him now he could see the change in her.  
  
Her eyes were darker and deeper, somehow.  
  
It looked like she was carrying the weight of the world on  
  
her small shoulders.  
  
She gave him a lovely smile and gave him a sweet kiss and for  
  
a moment he forgot about the sadness in her eyes.  
  
"I've missed you."  
  
"Missed you too..."  
  
He took her hand and looked at her.  
  
"What have you been doing while I was gone?"  
  
"Oh, nothing.."  
  
He knew by the look in her eyes that she was lying but he pushed   
  
that feeling away and focused on the sweet release of coming home.  
  
They walked towards the baggage-claim while he talked on and on  
  
about his meeting.  
  
And as they reached the car he chose to forget about the feeling  
  
that kept nagging at his heart.  
  
That something was terrible wrong.  
  
---------------------------  
  
He seemed happy to be home.  
  
It felt nice to have him home.  
  
My first reaction when I opened the door to our apartment was  
  
to check that everything was in order.  
  
I felt like a thief coming back to the crime scene.  
  
He walked into the bedroom and started to unpack while I tried  
  
to calm my heart.  
  
It felt harder to breathe, somehow.  
  
If I just closed my eyes I was brought back to that night when  
  
everything came crashing down.  
  
"Rory?"  
  
He stood in the doorway to the bedroom.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Our eyes met and for a brief second I wondered if he could  
  
see the truth in my eyes.  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"Nothing. Why?"  
  
"You look so sad."  
  
"I'm just tired."  
  
My words felt bitter, as I tasted them.  
  
"Working hard?"  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
LIAR!  
  
He walked towards me.  
  
A smile painting his handsome face.  
  
His hands felt cold as he framed my face and made me look at him.  
  
His touch felt different somehow.  
  
His eyes pierced into me and fear gripped at my heart.  
  
The fear that maybe just maybe he would see the change in me.  
  
I almost backed away from him.  
  
But I stood strong.  
  
Determined to keep the façade that everything was normal.  
  
"I've missed you, Rory. I hate being away from you..."  
  
"I know..."  
  
"I love you..."  
  
I couldn't form the words.  
  
My mouth wouldn't form the words that he wanted to hear.  
  
So instead I kissed him.  
  
His mouth felt different against mine.  
  
His lips didn't carry the softness that could so easily make me fall.  
  
I wanted so desperately to drown in him.  
  
I wanted him to be the one to silence the voices in my head.  
  
I wanted him to erase all those memories that kept chasing me around.  
  
He wrapped his strong arms around me and pulled me closer to him.  
  
I fell into him and let my feelings be swept away by the passion  
  
in his kiss.  
  
He lifted me up and carried me to the bed.  
  
He whispered sweet words that made me warm all over.  
  
I was desperate now.  
  
To erase all those memories that this room held.  
  
To prove to my heart that nothing had changed.  
  
And as I gave myself to him I began to believe in my own lies.  
  
That nothing had changed.  
  
-----------------------------------------------  
  
I stayed away from the hospital for four days.  
  
I spend all my waking time with Ben.  
  
He took me to dinner, to the theater, to the movies.  
  
We took long walks along The Charles River.   
  
But on the fifth day I returned to his bedside.  
  
Maybe it would have been better for me to stay away.  
  
But something inside of me kept calling me back to his side.  
  
The doctors proclaimed that it was in God's hands now and that  
  
they had done what they could for Jess Mariano.  
  
I brought him flowers.  
  
I sat there by his side, holding his hand.  
  
And I talked about everything.   
  
As the world kept passing by outside the window.  
  
---------------------------------  
  
It became a game I played.  
  
To see if I got away with it.  
  
I spend my lunch hour by his side.  
  
I read books, played music, talked.   
  
Days became weeks and weeks turned into months.  
  
And I settled into the routine of spending my free hours with him.  
  
It became a quest to get him to wake up.  
  
------------------------------  
  
Ben was sitting by my desk as I returned to my office one gray  
  
afternoon in the middle of September.  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
Ben was an editor of a magazine in down town Boston and he wasn't  
  
the one that normally dropped in.  
  
"I wanted to take you out for lunch but your secretary said that  
  
you were out."  
  
"Yeah, I.."  
  
"Where were you?"  
  
"I had lunch with some friends."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Are you checking up on me?"  
  
"Of course not."  
  
He rose from the chair and walked towards me.  
  
His eyes seemed darker somehow.  
  
"Then, what?"  
  
"It's just you have seemed distant lately. And I called here  
  
once last week and wanted to take you out for lunch but...."  
  
"I was out..."  
  
"Where?"  
  
"What's this Ben?"  
  
"I just want to know..."  
  
"Know what?"  
  
"What's wrong Rory?"  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"Ever since I came back from New York you have been acting strange.  
  
And I keep wondering..."  
  
"Wondering what?"  
  
He was close now.  
  
His eyes seemed bigger.  
  
Darker.  
  
Sadder.  
  
"Where were you going?"  
  
"No where."  
  
"Just tell me the truth, Rory..."  
  
"What truth?"  
  
"What has happened between us?"  
  
"Nothing has happened."  
  
"You don't let me hold you anymore..You back away from me..."  
  
"I do not."  
  
I felt like I was backing into a corner.  
  
"Yes you do...And when I tell you that I do love you...You look at  
  
me like I just hit you.."  
  
"Ben, you're talking silly."  
  
"Am I?!"  
  
He raised his voice.  
  
I turned away from him.  
  
Afraid that he might see the truth in me.  
  
Fear gripped at me.  
  
He grabbed my arms and made me look at him as he continued:  
  
"Just tell me the truth, okay..."  
  
"What truth?"  
  
"Is there someone else?"  
  
His words faded to black.  
  
So it had come to this.  
  
I could almost see everything fall down around me as I met his gaze.  
  
I couldn't bear to speak those words.  
  
But I didn't need to.  
  
He read the truth in my eyes.  
  
I could see a shadow settle over his eyes as he let me go and backed  
  
away from me.  
  
I felt cold.  
  
"Ben..."  
  
I reached for him.  
  
He seemed confused.  
  
Disorientated.  
  
Panic at my soul with every moment that passed.  
  
I moved towards him.  
  
I wanted to mend the gap between us.  
  
I reached for his hand but he backed away from me.  
  
His eyes were dark as they met mine.  
  
His voice was barely a whisper as he looked at me:  
  
"Don't touch me!"  
  
"Please, Ben.."  
  
"Who is it?"  
  
"This isn't the place for..."  
  
He had no mercy as he moved towards me.  
  
"WHO!?"  
  
His voice pierced the silence of the office.  
  
No lies could mend his heart.  
  
No lies could bring him back to me.  
  
No lies could keep my world from not falling apart.  
  
"Jess. Jess Mariano."  
  
Pain flashed across his face as my words sunk in.  
  
I had told him about Jess a while back.  
  
About my first real love.   
  
If you might call it that.  
  
I had talked highly about him.  
  
The need to explain came suddenly.  
  
The need to make it all trivial ran through me like poison.  
  
"Please, Ben..I never meant..."  
  
"Meant what? Don't say that it just happened for that will make  
  
me sick!"  
  
"Ben. Let me explain."  
  
"Explain what!? What possible thing can you say to make this right?"  
  
"Just let me..."  
  
"Let you what? You can't fix this!"  
  
He moved towards the door.  
  
Anger and pain painting his face in different colours.  
  
"Ben...please..."  
  
Tears came suddenly and blocked my sight.  
  
He stopped by the door and looked at me.  
  
"Why are you crying? You have no right to cry...."  
  
"I don't want to lose you...."  
  
"You already have."  
  
Then he walked away from me.  
  
-----------------------------------------------  
  
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se 


	7. May angels lead you back to me

The fall of a sparrow  
  
"May angels lead you back to me"  
  
by: Jessica  
  
.............................  
  
The leaves has fallen from the trees and painted the ground  
  
in beautiful colours.  
  
Time passes so quickly these days.  
  
Ben has left me now.  
  
I didn't stop him when he came to collect his things.  
  
I wanted to but I could see in his eyes that no words could mend  
  
the gap between us.  
  
It wouldn't be fair for the both of us to try to beg for forgiveness.  
  
So I kept quiet and watched him walk out of my life.  
  
It felt like something inside of me tore apart when he closed   
  
that door.  
  
And I sat there with a scream lodged in my head.   
  
But I knew I couldn't bring him back to me.  
  
To be alone again was hard to get used to.  
  
The bed seemed so huge and so cold.  
  
The silence of the apartment scared me more than I thought was  
  
possible.  
  
And sometimes it felt hard to breathe.  
  
Or maybe it was just all in my head.  
  
I kept reminding myself that I had brought it on.  
  
The pain that ate at my heart during those long and cold nights  
  
was my own fault.  
  
---------------------------------------  
  
My life became an endless parade of bedside vigils.  
  
I spend my spare time at the hospital.  
  
It felt safer there.   
  
I could escape the emptiness of my own life  
  
and focus on keeping him alive.  
  
I drank every breath that shimmered out from his body  
  
like it was water and I hadn't tasted water for days.  
  
---------------------------------  
  
Miracles happen every day they say.  
  
The day he came back to me was not a special day.  
  
There were no signs along the way that could tell us  
  
what would happen that day.  
  
I got the call late that afternoon.  
  
Someone I didn't know told me that Jess Mariano was  
  
back among the living.  
  
At first I thought it was someone's nasty joke.  
  
But as I drove over to the hospital hope came alive in my chest.  
  
When I walked the path to his room fear gripped at my heart.  
  
Memories from our last meeting came crashing down on me and   
  
the words that had been spoken played over and over in my head.  
  
My hands trembled as I pushed the door open.  
  
The room was empty besides his bed.  
  
I moved towards him.  
  
The machines that used to breathe life into his broken body  
  
were gone now.  
  
He seemed to sleep.  
  
His skin was white.  
  
My hands craved to touch him but I was afraid I might wake him.  
  
I sat down on the chair beside his bed while my heart   
  
went racing.  
  
"Rory?"  
  
His voice was barely a whisper.  
  
He turned his beautiful face towards me and our eyes met.  
  
It felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my   
  
shoulder in that single moment.  
  
Tears came suddenly.  
  
I couldn't hold them back.  
  
"Why are you crying?"  
  
"I don't know......"  
  
I moved towards him.  
  
My hands could no longer hold back the feelings that raged inside  
  
so I reached out my hand and took his cold hand in mine.  
  
"It's nice to see you, Jess...."  
  
That was all I was able to say.  
  
We sat there for a while holding hands, clinging to each other.  
  
Outside the window the sun was devoured by the dark.  
  
He moved first.  
  
His hand was cold against my skin as he lifted it and touched my cheek.  
  
"You shouldn't be crying....You have nothing to cry about..."  
  
"I have every reason to cry...I thought I might lose you..."  
  
"But you didn't..."  
  
His words faded to black.  
  
As I sat there I prayed that I would never know the feeling of losing him.  
  
--------------------------------------  
  
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se 


	8. The danger in loving somebody too much

The fall of a sparrow  
  
by: Jessica  
  
"The danger in loving somebody too much"  
  
--------------------------------------  
  
He took another glass of whiskey and told himself once  
  
again that he was better off.  
  
He had never been much of a drinker but it came natural to him now.  
  
Ben Cooper sat alone at the end of the bar somewhere in the middle  
  
of nowhere.  
  
He couldn't remember how he had gotten there   
  
but somehow he didn't care.  
  
It's a painful thing to try to mend your heart.  
  
They say that time mends all wounds.  
  
How wrong they all were.  
  
Time heals nothing.  
  
Five days had passed since he had stormed out of her office and  
  
another five since he went to the apartment to collect his things.  
  
She had been home when he came to remove his belongings.  
  
She sat by the window and watched as he walked away from her.  
  
A part of him wanted her to stop him.  
  
That she would say something, anything.  
  
But she remained quiet.  
  
The other part wanted nothing to do with her.  
  
The days seemed so blurry after that.  
  
He got up and got dressed.  
  
He showered and shaved.  
  
He ate breakfast.  
  
He drank his coffee.  
  
He drove to work.  
  
Nothing had changed.  
  
Everything had changed.  
  
He never expected it to feel so strong.  
  
He had been in many relationships before her.  
  
There were some that lasted longer and some that lasted only  
  
a couple of months.  
  
But always when it ended he came out fine.  
  
He prided himself on how strong he was.  
  
That nothing could break him.  
  
Look at him now.  
  
Guess he was breakable after all.  
  
They had met during college.  
  
He had a dream of changing the world by writing.  
  
He was young then and naive.  
  
They had met during a party.  
  
She had been sitting alone in a corner of a room with her nose  
  
in a book.  
  
She had looked up as he approached and their eyes had met.  
  
And he had drowned in a deep blue sea.  
  
That was the end of him.  
  
That night had ended with them sitting under the stars, talking   
  
and laughing.  
  
After that they were inseparable.  
  
They spend their first date debating politics.  
  
They went to the movies, to dinner, to the theater.  
  
At the end of their third date he kissed her.  
  
Afterwards when she stood before him, smiling, and with those eyes  
  
shining like two diamonds he knew that he was lost.  
  
One month after their first date they spend the night together.  
  
As they melted together words slipped from his mouth that he   
  
only had dared to whisper to himself.  
  
Words like "love" and "always" soared through the air around them.  
  
After that night he let go of everything that held him back.  
  
He was in love and nothing could ever change that.  
  
At their one year anniversary he took her out to the coast and   
  
they spend a day on the beach.  
  
When they sat there and watched the sun set she dared to speak  
  
those words he had longed for so much.  
  
She whispered words of love and painted his world in so many  
  
colours that even the sky seemed smaller.   
  
When they finished college she followed him to Boston.  
  
He had gotten a summer job as a proofreader at a local paper.  
  
That's how it began for him.  
  
He climbed the ladder to success and after three years of hard work  
  
and long nights he was finally promoted to editor and chief of   
  
the paper he started at.  
  
That night when they celebrated he got down on his knees and   
  
asked her to marry him.  
  
She said yes.  
  
He had bought the ring six months earlier but he hadn't the courage  
  
to ask her until that night.  
  
That was a year ago.  
  
Ben reached for the glass and prayed that the liquor could drown  
  
out the memories that kept eating at him.  
  
Maybe there were signs along the way that he   
  
somehow chose to ignore.  
  
Maybe he should have loved her more.  
  
Maybe he had been blind.  
  
He rose from the chair.  
  
He paid his way and headed for the door.  
  
He didn't know where he was going but he didn't care.  
  
He was so tired of nursing the broken heart.  
  
He was so tired of feeling this way.  
  
The payphone outside was the first thing that met his eye  
  
as he exited the bar.  
  
He knew that he was drunk and acted crazy but something inside  
  
of him needed to hear her voice.  
  
His hands trembled as he dialed the number.  
  
He hated them for showing weakness.  
  
She answered a second later.  
  
"Rory..."  
  
"Ben?"  
  
He hadn't prepared a speech.  
  
He just wanted to hear her voice.  
  
Maybe then he would be all right.  
  
"I loved you......"  
  
"Ben...Are you okay?"  
  
"I loved you more than my life and you just...."  
  
"Tell me you're okay...Ben.."  
  
"Why, Rory? Why couldn't you love me? What did I do?"  
  
"Please, Ben. You did nothing."  
  
"Then what? I don't understand it. I..just..I can't..."  
  
"Where are you? Tell me where you are and..."  
  
"You broke my heart, Ror. I never thought you could hurt me   
  
like that."  
  
"I'm sorry...."  
  
"You were the best thing in my life. I didn't care about the job,  
  
the money. All I wanted was you..."  
  
"Ben..please..."  
  
"You killed me Rory."  
  
"Don't say that."  
  
"I can't breathe anymore. I just...I never thought I ever could  
  
feel this way..This dead inside..."  
  
"Tell me where you are. Please Ben..Tell me and I will come and  
  
get you..."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"So I can help you..."  
  
"With what? What possible help can you give me?"  
  
"Don't do this.."  
  
"I did nothing..All I did was love you....."  
  
She was crying now.  
  
He could hear her sobbing into the phone and he imagined her sitting  
  
there on the other end with tears streaming down her face.  
  
And a part of him enjoyed it.  
  
"Don't worry, Ror...I will not bother you again...."  
  
"Ben!"  
  
"Goodbye..."  
  
Then he hung up.  
  
He stood there for a while.  
  
The darkness of the night wrapped around him gently.   
  
Then he started to walk.  
  
As he walked her face was before him.  
  
That was the curse he had to carry with him all through night  
  
and as long as he lived.  
  
He had accepted that.  
  
She was inside of him.  
  
Everywhere.  
  
He was a cursed man.  
  
There was nowhere he could run.  
  
It was a painful way to live.  
  
But that was the life of Ben Cooper.  
  
-------------------------------------  
  
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se 


	9. To be alive

The fall of a sparrow  
  
by: Jessica  
  
"To be alive"  
  
---------------  
  
The only sound that pierces the silence of this room is the sound  
  
of her breathing, ebb and flow.  
  
She is sleeping now.  
  
I know that I should wake her but I haven't the heart to do it.  
  
She came this morning.  
  
She came to me with flowers and a smile painting her face.  
  
My life has become an endless row of doctors giving me their   
  
opinion of my miracle awakening.  
  
For every day that passes I grow stronger and stronger.  
  
She is the only thing that is constant in my life.  
  
She comes every day.  
  
We talk.  
  
We laugh.  
  
We never mention the past.  
  
But I can see in her eyes the longing for forgiveness.  
  
I forgave her the moment I opened my eyes and saw her sitting there.  
  
We haven't talked about Ben and I haven't dared to ask.  
  
I try to ignore it but it still there like a huge wall that  
  
keeps us apart.  
  
I've tried to put memories aside.  
  
I have tried to bury them deep within my heart, convinced  
  
that it will only cause me pain.  
  
But some nights, when I lay in the dark, I take them out and  
  
hold them up towards the light and I let my heart remember.  
  
It's a painful thing.  
  
But it's a pain that I can take.  
  
I remember the feel of her lips against mine.  
  
The feel of her hand against my skin.  
  
She granted me the sense of completeness when she let my hold her.  
  
Now, I'm broken in two.  
  
And I'm lost again.  
  
It feels like I'm lingering in between awake and asleep.  
  
I keep longing for her until my heart aches in my chest.  
  
There are so many things I want to tell her but I fear that  
  
my words will drive her away from me.  
  
So I keep quiet and I try to be content with just being close to her.  
  
But as I watch her now I can't help but crave to touch her.  
  
Just to feel the warmth of her skin against mine.  
  
I rise from the bed without waking her.  
  
Night has fallen outside my window.  
  
I kneel down beside her chair.  
  
My heart is beating like crazy in my chest.  
  
It feels like my hands are on fire.  
  
How can something be so beautiful?  
  
It's a beauty that has so much power over me that it scares me   
  
sometimes.  
  
It's a love that consumes every part of me.  
  
That leaves me gasping for more.  
  
I know that I should let go.  
  
She will not be mine.  
  
But still I linger here, beside her, drinking her beauty.  
  
Why can't I just let go?  
  
Then maybe I will survive this.  
  
My hands tremble as I stroke her cheek.  
  
Her skin feels like velvet under my hand.  
  
And as she slowly open her eyes the truth hits me with full force.  
  
The truth is that I will not be standing when this fight is over.  
  
And I'm not sure I want to.  
  
Her blue eyes meet mine and I smile.  
  
She whispers my name and sits up.  
  
My name on her lips is like a serenade from heaven.  
  
"What time is it?"  
  
"It's late..."  
  
I want to say something to stop her from leaving.  
  
But I know that I have no right to hold her back.  
  
"You should be in bed..."  
  
She takes my hand and it feels like current   
  
is running through my veins.  
  
"I'm not tired...."  
  
"But the doctors said..."  
  
"I don't care about them.."  
  
"You need to get well."  
  
"I'm already better."  
  
"Jess, please..."  
  
"They said that they would let me go tomorrow."  
  
"They did?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
I want to ask her to wait for me but fear has a hold of my heart  
  
so I hold my tongue.  
  
"That's great!!"  
  
She throws her arms around me and her resounding laugh warms  
  
my heart.  
  
I hold her tight while her laugh fades to black.  
  
I don't want to let go.  
  
I want to stay like that.  
  
And never let go.  
  
Finally I let her go and she smiles at me.  
  
"I should be going..."  
  
She rises and starts to go towards the door.  
  
I want to cry out to her to stay.  
  
But I keep quiet.  
  
She opens the door slowly and stops in the doorway.  
  
She looks back at me and says:  
  
"I'm glad you're back, Jess...."  
  
Then with a smile she is gone.  
  
The door slowly closes behind her.  
  
The darkness of the night surrounds me and I stand there   
  
in the middle of the room while my heart is pounding like crazy.  
  
And for a brief moment I dare to dream of a life   
  
so out of reach.  
  
............................................  
  
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se 


	10. When you love somebody

The fall of a sparrow

"When you love somebody.."

by: Jessica

-----------------

"**_I won't fear love....."_**

--------------------------

To say that I was prepared for the storm that came 

would be a lie.

But I did sense it, though.

Maybe I knew it would happen eventually.

I just chose to ignore it.

-----------------------------------

He stood in the middle of my living room with a suitcase 

by his side.

Two days had passed since they let him go from the hospital.

He stood strong and tall.

He had come to say goodbye.

Jess Mariano was walking out of my life.

Just like that.

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm leaving."

"But you just left the hospital."

"They need me in Chicago."

"What is in Chicago?"

"My life."

I know that I had no right to hold him back.

"But what about...?"

My words faded to black.

"What?"

"Nothing."

He moved towards me.

"I just thought you..would stay this time."

"Rory.."

"NO, it's okay. I'm getting used to you leaving."

"That's not fair, Rory. And you know it."

Our eyes met.

"Don't talk to me like I'm a child."

"Stop acting like one then."

Anger filled me as I looked at him now.

This man that had so much power over me.

He held the key to the shackles that still held me down.

"Why did you come here if you already made up your mind?"

"I wanted to say goodbye."

"Goodbyes have never been your thing."

"I want to change that..."

He moved towards me.

I didn't run this time.

I had no right to hold him back but every part of me screamed out

to make him stay.

I feared that he could see the truth in my eyes so I avoided 

looking at him.

I kept remembering another day like this.

When I had broken his heart.

Maybe this wasn't letting go.

Maybe I let him go long before that.

He took my hand and said:

"Rory, look at me."

I lifted my head and met his gaze.

I stood strong.

Refusing to crumble under his touch.

"Why don't you just leave, Jess? Why are you determined to torture

me so?"

"Ror..."

"Don't call me that..."

"What am I suppose to call you?"

"Nothing."

"Don't say that."

"What do you want from me, Jess?"

I broke free from his touch and moved away.

His eyes were dark as he once again moved towards me.

"Don't you know that by now, Rory?" 

"No.."

"All I ever wanted...All I ever wanted is ...you...."

His words faded to black.

I stopped and our eyes met.

His eyes held all the promises for the future and something in

me wanted to reach out my hand and take it.

"I know that you're engaged..So..I will leave and...."

"Ben..He left me..He found out about..."

"Ror..."

He reached for me but I moved away.

"Don't, Jess."

"Don't what? I just...."

"Just don't okay..."

"I wanted to say that I'm sorry."

He was close now but I hadn't the strength to move away.

His hand touched my cheek and made me look at him.

"I can't, Jess. I just can't..."

"All I ever wanted is you. I will do anything..."

"Don't you understand. Can't you see it?"

"What?"

"I don't know how to believe in you again."

"Rory.."

"It's just if I let go, if I let you in, then I would be

totally vulnerable. And I would lose myself in you. And then

you will find some reason to leave and I would...die..."

"No. It wouldn't be like that."

"Then what would it be like, Jess? Long walks on the beach, holding

hands. I don't think so.."

"All I want is a second chance."

"I don't know if I'm ready to let you...."

"I will do anything to..."

"Can you imagine the way it felt when I got the news that you had 

left?"

"I thought we talked about this..."

"No, you talked..You never did hear me..."

"All I can say is that I'm sorry for what I did back then..."

"You broke me...You ripped everything apart...."

"I know. Don't you think I know that?"

"You were coward! Such a coward. You couldn't even say goodbye..."

"I know...I didn't want to make the same mistake now."

"What right do you have to come into my life once again and 

expect me to crumble for you? I had everything. I had a man

that loved me and that I loved and you just...Ruined everything.."

"That's not fair!"

"Fair! You want to talk about fair. Was it fair to be promised 

a prom with the boy you loved and then nothing? Was it fair to not

get any explanation for you leaving? Not even goodbye. Did I mean

so little to you that you didn't even say goodbye?"

"Don't say that."

"It's the truth, isn't it?"

"How can you say that? I did everything for you...I loved you...God..

I fell in love with you the moment I saw you. And I went through 

hell watching you with him! I wanted you so badly and I couldn't

have you! So don't talk to me about pain, cause I know..."

"No, I don't think you know what you did. I trusted you. I gave

you everything. I loved you for God's sake. I never loved anyone

the way I loved you....And you just chose to throw it all away

like it meant nothing."

"It meant everything to me! Don't you know that? I never loved 

anyone the way I loved you. It made me crazy. It made me fly. God, I never

felt anything so strong. But it also made me see who I really was."

"What are you talking about?"

"You were going to Yale. You attended Chilton. You were so smart.

You had a bright future. And I..."

"You could have become what ever you wanted..."

"Working at Wal-Mart, huh?"

"You didn't even tell me that you had trouble in school and about

not graduating."

"Would you have been proud of me? Everyone in town saw me 

as a loser and that would only be another 'I told you so'."

"Not for me. I never saw you as anything but the boy I fell in love

with."

"I failed everyone. I couldn't face them, okay. I had no reason to

stay, after that."

"No reason, huh. No reason? WHAT ABOUT ME!?"

"Tell me what should I have done? Luke practically threw me out

on the street."

"You should have swallowed your fucking pride and gone back to school!"

"What good could possible come from me going back to school?"

"Then you wouldn't have to leave and we..us..would still be..."

"I don't know how to make you understand."

"Understand, what? About school? About Jimmy? About what exactly?"

"Everything."

"How can I understand when you never told me?"

"I just couldn't..."

"Jimmy, your father came back into your life and you couldn't tell

me..."

"We were not on speaking terms then.."

"But still, you should have told me...I was your girlfriend..And

you just..."

"I know. But understand...they wouldn't let me graduate and when

he came back..It was a way out. It was the only way out!"

"Coward."

Tears filled my eyes.

"I'm sorry, Rory...For everything....."

"No, Jess. You're not sorry..."

"Yes, I am. I regret ever hurting you."

"Fuck you. Who died and made you God!?"

"Don't say that Rory."

"Coward. That's what you are! And now you come here..Seven years

too late and expect me fall to my feet...We had one night...

One night..That was all I needed to get you out of my system."

"I don't believe that."

"I don't care what you believe."

I turned away from him.

I hated myself for showing my weakness.

For crumbling.

"Rory, please..."

"Just, go..Jess. I don't care anymore..."

"I refuse to believe that."

"I don't care..."

He moved fast and turned me towards him.

His eyes seemed to be on fire as they met mine.

"Don't lie to me, Rory."

"I don't lie."

"Then why can I see something in your eyes?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Look me in the eyes and tell me to go."

"LEAVE!"

"I don't believe you."

Then he kissed me.

It wasn't like before.

This was burning hot.

He pulled me towards him and with his lips he devoured me.

He ran tongue against my lips.

A dance that whispered to me to open up and let him in.

Apart of me screamed out to stand my ground.

To stand strong for coming storm.

But I fell.

And fell hard.

With a sigh I fell.

As our tongues met all sanity went out the window.

I didn't care anymore about what was proper.

All I knew was the feeling inside that felt so right.

His hands found their way under my shirt and touched

the sensitive skin on my back.

I fell towards him.

Drowned in him.

He had no mercy as his hands danced upon my skin, starting

small fires in my belly.

We broke away as oxygen was needed.

His eyes were two dark fires as they pierced into me.

Like some hero in a book he lifted me up on strong arms

and carried me to the bed. 

All I saw was him.

I wanted him.

All of him.

If it only was for one night.

Then I would settle for one night.

I wanted him inside me, all around of me.

I wanted to drown in the sweet sensation of having him

in my arms.

I wanted his hands on my body.

So when he came to me, like a tiger in the night, 

I welcomed him without question.

And as he entered me that night I cried out his name 

to the heavens and prayed that he would be there when I woke up.

....................................

Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se


	11. Stay forever

The fall of a sparrow

"Stay forever"

by: Jessica

----------------------------

**_"You know I'm seeing it so clear_**

**_I've been afraid_**

**_To tell you how I really feel_**

**_Admit to some of those bad mistakes I've made"_**

---------------------------------

Chicago

----------------------

Only a fool loves someone you can't have.

Those words kept ringing in her head as she closed the

door to her apartment and turned the key.

She wiped away the remaining tears and cursed herself

for being so weak.

Lucy Shepard used to be so proud of being the one that never cried.

Nothing affected her, she proudly proclaimed.

But as she stood there outside her door she knew nothing could

be further from the truth.

It was something so simple as a letter.

A letter had moved her to tears.

And for that she hated herself.

The day had been perfect up until receiving that letter.

Blue skies all the way.

But then reality hit.

She hadn't heard a word from him in almost three months now.

She had accepted it and moved on.

It wasn't like he was the love of her life or something like that.

At least that was what she told herself when she laid alone at night.

There were moments when she pulled out the last remaining of his

things and looked at them.

It was a sweater that he had left behind.

Sometimes when she felt weak she used to bury her nose in the

soft fabric and inhale his scent.

It would give her a sense of peace.

But she always felt weak after that.

She felt guilty for longing for someone that clearly didn't want

anything to do with her.

That was one of her weaknesses.

Wanting someone she couldn't have.

As she stood there outside her door she kept remembering that 

sweater and she cursed herself for not throwing it away earlier.

Then maybe she would have been fine.

Then maybe Jess Mariano would have been someone she knew long ago.

But she knew as she lifted her suitcase that he would forever be

A part of her.

And there was nothing she could do about it now.

With her free hand she stroked her growing belly and 

walked out the door to the waiting taxi to take her to the

airport.

--------------------------------------------

Boston

-----------------------------------

I sit here in her favorite chair watching as the sun rises over 

the city.

She is still sleeping on the bed on the other side of this room.

My suitcase sits by the door calling out to me to do what I came

here to do.

I came here to say goodbye to her.

I was so ready to let her go.

I came here to make things right.

I was so sure if I just let her go then I would be okay.

It took days for me to work up the courage to go to her.

But what I found was a little piece of heaven.

As I sit here in her apartment I can't help but feel afraid.

Maybe this is forever.

Or maybe it just will last a day, a week, a month.

I don't know.

But I don't want to be alone anymore.

I want to feel.

I want to actually feel with every sense of my being.

So I will hold on to her.

And maybe this time we will be okay.

------------------------------------------

Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se


	12. Broken road

The fall of a sparrow

by: Jessica

"Broken road"

-----------------------------

The lampposts outside the window flickers and comes to life

as the night comes rolling in.

The bags are all packed.

I'm ready now.

She will come home soon.

She will come through that door and find me here ready to

once again walk away from her.

I will be strong this time and not fall.

I have to be strong otherwise I will surely die.

I'm not running this time.

I have no choice this time around.

This is the best thing for both of us.

For once in my life I'm doing what's right.

I just wish it wouldn't hurt so.

----------------------------------

One day earlier

-----------------------------------

To say that I was ready for it would be a lie.

But I did see it coming, though.

I knew that I would have to face it eventually.

I just didn't expect it to happen so fast.

He came to me with sadness in his eyes and hopeful words.

He came to beg me.

To have mercy on his heart.

He came to my door like a broken man.

I knew who he was before he told me.

He was Ben.

Ben Cooper.

Rory's Ben.

He was nothing like I imagined.

"Can I come in?"

His voice was darker, deeper, than I had imagined.

"What are you doing here?"

"I didn't come here to pick a fight if that's what you're worried about."

"Then what?"

"I just want to talk to you."

"How did you find me?"

"I have my ways."

"What possible thing could we have to talk about?"

"Come on. Just let me in. I will not start anything..."

He stood before me pleading and something inside me surrendered

as our eyes met.

"Okay.."

I let him into the safety of my hotel room.

I could smell the alcohol on him as he walked past me.

He sat down on the couch.

He was dressed in jeans, t-shirt and dark jacket.

He seemed like he hadn't shaved for days and his hair was in a mess.

I sat down opposite him.

"So, speak..."

"I just wanted to meet you..."

I rose.

Anger filled me.

But also shame.

I had hurt him.

"If you just came here for that then you might as well leave."

"Can't a man face its superior...."

I moved towards the door.

"Get out. I don't need to hear this crap!"

"What do you want to hear?"

"LEAVE!"

He rose from the couch and looked at me.

"You won, Jess. I don't know how you did it. Tell me how you did it.

I have tried to figure that out. Do you have some magic potion 

that you spread around?"

"LEAVE NOW! I don't need to hear this bull-shit!"

"I'm just wondering, because I loved her...."

"I SWEAR TO GOD! I WILL CALL THE COPS ON YOUR SORRY ASS!"

I moved towards him.

Anger filling me.

Shame.

I had caused all the pain that shimmered out from this man.

"Do it...I don't care..."

He didn't back away as I approached him.

My hand in a fist.

I wanted to hit him.

The emotion came suddenly and ran through my veins like poison.

I wanted him out of my life.

Away from my heart.

I wanted to erase the guilt that kept eating at my heart.

"Just leave, that's all I'm asking...."

My words faded to black.

"I just wanted to ask you...."

"Ask me what?"

I stood so close now that I could almost pick up on the dark cloud

of sorrow that seemed to surround this man.

"Do you love her?"

"Of course I do....."

"Because I did. I do...More than life..and you took her away."

"This is not some book and you're not the hero and I'm the bad guy.

I didn't take anything that didn't want to be taken."

"You just swept into our life, just like that...She had told me about

you. Did you know that? She told me about the mighty Jess Mariano."

"Look, man..I don't need this right now..."

"Just hear me out..."

"I've heard enough..."

"All I wanted was to see the mighty Jess Mariano."

"That's it! LEAVE!"

I grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed him towards the door.

Guilt ripped through me as he stumbled towards the door.

He stopped and looked at me.

"What do you have that I don't have? What did I do that was so wrong?

Didn't I love her enough, huh? What is so fucking great with Jess

Mariano, huh?"

I moved towards him.

Anger.

Rage.

Shame.

Guilt.

Remorse.

All those feelings ran through me as I moved towards this man.

"LEAVE NOW! OR I SWEAR TO GOD THAT I'LL..."

"What? What will you do? What will the mighty Jess Mariano do to

me that hasn't been done, huh? Do you think you can hurt me?"

He put his arms out and laughed at me.

"I'm invincible. Nothing can hurt me anymore...BRING IT ON! I say."

"You're drunk... You're pitiful, man!"

I pushed him towards the door.

He stumbled backwards.

"What makes you so fucking great, huh? You left her for god's sake.

You left without a word and not even a phone call, not even a letter..."

"Shut up!"

"Yeah, I know..She told me. She told me all about the heartache of

the young Rory Gilmore's life. She told me how much she hated you...

Yeah, I said hate...Because she did...She admitted it to me...What

did you think? Roses all the way, huh? HAH..."

"Shut the fuck up!"

I fumbled with the doorknob.

"You were a fucking loser, a punk! And now..Are you better now?

Do you really think people can change because I don't think you can."

The door to my hotel room flew up and I pushed him out into the 

hallway.

His eyes were still fixed at me.

He kept haunting me.

Breaking me.

Killing me.

"You were nothing...And look at you now! Living in a shabby hotel room,

for god's sake! What will you live on, huh? Her salary...Her money..

Just like you......Listen to me. People don't change. Trust me,

I know....You will break her heart. Maybe not tomorrow,

maybe not next week..But you will hurt her. You will break her heart.

It's in your nature. And when you do..I will be there to pick up

the pieces!"

I saw red.

I punched him.

He went down with a cry.

I leaned down and yelled:

"SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT!!!!!!"

He rose on weak legs.

Blood coming from a cut on his lip.

His eyes were dark as they met mine.

"Oh, I know...I know a lot of things...I know you, Jess. Listen to

me...People don't change.....Remember that."

Then he turned around and walked away from me.

----------------------------------------

I stood there a long time in the doorway to my room with 

trembling hands.

Eventually I moved inside and closed the door behind me.

My hand still hurt after punching him.

I moved towards the couch and sat down.

His words kept ringing in my ear.

Maybe I brought this on myself.

His words kept eating at my heart, causing my walls to crumble.

Maybe, just maybe, he was right.

Maybe I would just cause her pain in the end.

Maybe she was better off.

And as the sun set outside the window I started to believe.

----------------------------------

Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se 


	13. To end all heartache

The fall of a sparrow

by: Jessica

"To end all heartache"

-------------------

**_"Take your hands off me, hey_**

**_I don't belong to you, you see_**

**_Take them in off my face, for the last time_**

**_I never knew you, you never knew me."_**

----------------------------

How do you prepare your heart for pain?

Is there some way you can shield it from the coming storm that

surely will hit you?

Or do you just let it happen and pray that you will be 

standing in the end?

For me it was never a way to shield my heart from the coming pain.

I brought it on myself.

I might as well have run a knife through my own heart.

The only thing that I can say is that I never saw it coming.

And for a few days, even weeks, I was happy.

-------------------------

The suitcase was once again packed.

It stood by the door, marking my intention here tonight.

The darkness of this apartment surrounded me as the silence

was pierced by the sound of a key turning and a door opening.

The darkness was chased away by a sudden gleam of light.

I blinked towards the light.

She was standing in the doorway to the living room.

She was smiling.

That would be the last time she smiled at me.

That thought hit me like a bucket of cold water.

"What are you doing sitting in the dark? You scared the shit out

of me!"

"Sorry."

I rose.

She walked towards me, smiling.

She leaned in and I inhaled her scent as she kissed me.

"It's nice to have you here, though."

I wanted to touch her.

The need to hold her came suddenly and I almost wrapped my arms 

around her but I pushed it aside.

She turned towards the door to head to the kitchen.

And then she saw it.

The suitcase.

She walked over and picked it up.

She turned her lovely face towards me and looked at me.

"What is this doing here?"

"It's mine."

"I know that."

"It's just..."

"Jess?"

She put it down and looked at me.

"I have to go."

"What do you mean have to go?"

"I just need to leave."

"Jess, what are you talking about? I just..We just..."

I could see the confusion and the fear in her eyes.

She was falling.

"I'm going back to Chicago."

"But you just said..I thought that things were alright between us."

"They are."

"Then why are you leaving!?"

"I can't tell you!"

"I knew it! I knew this would happen!"

She turned away from me.

Pain flashed over her face.

I moved towards her.

"It's nothing like that..."

"Then what?!!"

"I can't tell you..."

"You're running again. Just like before. I truly thought things would

be different this time around. I believed in all those nice words

you said. How foolish am I, huh?"

"No, Rory. You have to believe that I meant everything I said."

"Then, what!? Why won't you tell me? Why won't you stay with me?"

"Believe me, there is nothing I would rather do."

"I don't understand."

"There's nothing to understand."

"Then why would you come here? You could have just left. That's

your style."

"Don't be like that. I came to say goodbye."

"We went through this before. Remember?"

"I remember."

"So everything you said. Everything you whispered to me was a lie?"

"No, of course not."

"You promised me you'd stay."

"I know."

Tears marked her face as she looked at me.

"Then what Jess? Why won't you tell me? Why won't you explain?"

"Because I can't..."

The pain ripped through me like knife tearing at my soul.

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to hurt you.."

"Don't you know, you already have..."

"Rory, no!"

"You have broken my heart with your silence...."

"Don't say that."

"Then tell me."

"I don't..I can't...."

"Just tell me, please. I have to know. Was it something I did?"

"Of course not."

"Then what?"

"I'm going to be a father."

She stood there looking at me with those eyes.

"What!? What are you talking about?"

"I never told you..."

"Told me what?"

"I never told you about Lucy."

"Lucy, who?"

"She was my girlfriend."

"O, my god!"

She turned away from me.

Tears marking her face.

"Rory, hear me out..."

I moved towards her and reached out my hand to touch her.

She turned around and looked at me.

"DON'T TOUCH ME! You lied to me!"

"I never lied..."

"You just happen to leave out the part of having a girlfriend!"

"It was over..."

"You left her."

"No, I never did leave her. It was over long before I came here..."

"But she is pregnant?"

"Yeah..We had one night and...."

"And you are going to be a father?"

"Yeah...."

"How far along is she?"

"Three, four months..."

"And you never knew?"

"No, she came to me..this morning and.."

"This morning but..."

"She claimed that she had been trying to find me...."

"And you just left without a word..."

"It wasn't like that at all..."

"Well, tell me how it was then?"

"I needed to see you.."

"You ran."

"No of course not. I never knew that she was pregnant."

"And now she has found you. And you can all live like one happy

family...."

"Rory, please..."

"What? What do you want me to say?"

"Anything."

"Why did you come here? Why didn't you just leave? Then maybe..."

"I wanted to explain. I wanted you to see..."

"See what?"

"That I can't walk away this time..."

Her eyes met mine.

"The child needs a father..."

"Exactly."

"So, where does that leave us?"

"She needs me, Rory."

"I need you."

"I can't walk away this time...I just...That would be proving to 

everyone..."

"Proving what?"

"That I'm a loser...No one..That I'm bad news."

"I have never thought about you like that."

"You're the only one."

"Don't say that..."

"It's the truth. If I walk away from this child now, then I would

be just like Jimmy."

"So you're just going to give everything up."

"You don't know how hard it is to walk away.."

"Then, stay..."

"I can't do that and you know that.."

"I'm being selfish, I know. But I need you..I need you be able 

to breathe..."

"Rory, please..."

"I don't know how to let you go..."

"Then come with me..."

"I can't.."

"Of course you can."

"My life is here. You could ask her to move here to Boston. Or

you could stay and visit on weekends and holidays.."

"I can't do that. He's my child. I want to be there for everything..."

"So, there's nothing left for us then...."

"I'm begging you. Come with me!"

"I can't. And I can't believe what you're asking me to do."

"I'm asking you to come with me. To stay with me...To be with me.."

"And I would have to give up everything."

"But we would be together."

"At what cost?"

"Don't say that, Ror.."

"Maybe we would be happy a month, two months..A year. But I would never 

be settled with giving up everything just because..."

"So you are willing to give me up. Just like that...."

"No. Of course not. But don't you understand what you're asking me 

to do?"

"I'm asking you to come with me..."

"And give up everything. All my dreams, everything that I have 

built up here..."

"We can build a life in Chicago."

"We can build a life here also."

"But.. I can't leave them...That wouldn't be fair for either of you.."

"So, you've already made up your mind..."

"What do you want me to do!?"

"I want you to fight for us!"

"I'm fighting."

"Then why can't you ask her to come here!"

"Her whole life is in Chicago. Her friends, her family...."

"So, that's it. You will just give up..."

"God, how can you say that? How can you stand there thinking it's

easy to give you up?"

"You're acting that way..."

"It breaks my heart even thinking about it. But what can I do?

I have to chose between an unborn child and you."

"Guess I lost..."

I moved towards her.

She smelled of shampoo and coffee.

Her skin felt like velvet as I touched her cheek and made her look

at me.

"I can't walk away knowing you hate me..."

Her eyes met mine.

Her tears wet my fingers.

"I could never hate you...You're Jess..."

"God, how can I say goodbye to you? I thought I could. It's just

a word...But.."

"This can't be goodbye...You can't just walk away again, without.."

"I can't have you both. I wish I could but..."

"I know...But please tell me that you will come back. I would wait.."

"I could never ask you to do that..."

"Please, ask me..Please, Jess. Tell me that you're coming back to me.."

"I can't do that...That wouldn't be fair..."

"Is this fair, huh? Telling me how much you love me and then up and

leave a week later."

"I never meant to hurt you..."

"But you did."

"I wish I could reach inside your heart and mend it."

"But you can't. You have made your choice and we both have to

live with that...."

"I love you, Rory. Don't forget that..."

"Don't say that and think it will fix everything for all it does

is opening a much bigger hole."

"I don't know what to do..."

"Just say goodbye..."

Tears made my sight blurry as I leaned my forehead against hers.

Rory.

My beautiful Rory.

So this was the end for us.

I had made my choice.

A choice that brought with it heartache.

And there was nothing I could do to take it back.

I would give her up and sacrifice everything for another.

It's a painful thing to feel your heart being ripped apart.

I wondered if she could hear it.

"I can't...."

My words were barely a whisper.

"You have to.."

I pulled away from her and framed her face between my hands.

I drank her beauty, wanting to remember everything.

I wanted to remember every line of her face.

The gold in her eyes.

Everything.

"Goodbye, Rory Gilmore."

Then I kissed her.

I wanted to taste her one last time.

To remember how it felt to have her in my arms.

The feel of her lips against mine.

Her scent on me.

I wanted to burn her touch into my skin forever.

So I drowned myself in her.

She clung to me like her life depended on it.

And I held her.

God, how I held her.

When we part we both knew that our time was up.

Time had come to an end for us.

"When will you leave?"

"We will take the first flight out tomorrow...."

"Oh, okay....."

I moved towards the door.

My hands trembled as I turned the doorknob.

"STOP! Don't go!"

Her voice echoed through the apartment.

"Please, Jess...Don't go! I'm begging you...Stay. Stay with me..."

I stood there, suitcase in one hand.

My back turned.

And I could hear her plead.

And something inside of me pleaded to me to surrender.

To stay just tonight.

But I knew that wouldn't be fair for either of us.

For once in my life I was going to do the right thing.

I turned towards her, wiped away the tears and said:

"I can't......"

Then I opened the door and walked away from her.

-------------------------------

Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se


	14. How to disappear completely

----------------------  
  
The fall of a sparrow   
  
"How to disappear completely"  
  
by: Jessica  
  
NOTE: Only two chapters to go now! I promise.....  
  
The title (How to...) is taken from a song by Radiohead  
  
------------------------  
  
There comes a time in every man's life when he knows it's time  
  
to stop fighting.  
  
There is no use in putting up that neat façade.  
  
It's time to surrender and just accept that there are some things  
  
that are out of reach even for you.  
  
That there are some things that never ever will happen and hoping  
  
for it will just leave you with pain.  
  
You know this time has come by the light that once burned so  
  
bright inside of him but now has flickered and died away.  
  
They say that hope dies last.  
  
What is left after hope is gone?  
  
I used to ponder that.  
  
Now I know.  
  
Nothing.  
  
Absolutely nothing.  
  
You are just an empty shell, drifting through life without   
  
any purpose, without any goal.  
  
You are nobody.  
  
You could stand in the middle of a crowded room and scream from  
  
the top of your lungs and no one would hear you.  
  
People see right through you, like you were made of glass.  
  
That's me now.  
  
That's what has become of the mighty and strong Jess Mariano.  
  
I'm nobody.  
  
------------------------------------  
  
The hardest thing I have ever done is walk away from her.  
  
I never felt the cold rain as it washed over me when I walked  
  
towards my hotel.  
  
I welcomed the pain of a broken heart.  
  
I embraced it.  
  
Lucy was sitting on my bed watching TV as I entered my hotel room.  
  
I peeled off my jacket and threw it on a chair near the door.  
  
Our eyes met.  
  
"How did it go?"  
  
"I told her, if that's what you wondering."  
  
I sat down on the couch and turned my back towards her.  
  
The only sound that pierced the silence was the sound the TV made.  
  
I felt so tired and so empty.  
  
It felt like the weight of the world was laying on my shoulders.  
  
I felt dead inside.  
  
How foolish to think that this thing would last forever.  
  
She sat down beside me.  
  
A cloud of perfume shimmered out from her body.  
  
"How did she take it?"  
  
For a single moment I wanted to hate her for   
  
ever entering my life again.  
  
Anger ran through my veins like poison.  
  
But as I looked at her I knew that I had no right to feel that way.  
  
But a part of me wanted anger to consume my body and maybe then  
  
the pain that ripped through me with every breath would eventually  
  
subside.  
  
"What do you think?!"  
  
"You don't have to shout! I was just asking."  
  
"Don't, okay!"  
  
I turned away.  
  
I wanted to be alone.  
  
I wanted to lick my wounds and put on my mask to show the world  
  
that I was doing just all right.  
  
"I never meant to come between the two of you."  
  
"What did you think would happen?"  
  
Our eyes met.  
  
"I just wanted you to know..."  
  
"You could have told me earlier. You could have called me..."  
  
"I didn't know where you were."  
  
"Don't give me that. You knew exactly where I was. You could have  
  
just picked up the phone."  
  
"I wasn't ready."  
  
"Ready? Ready!! Do you think I was ready to hear that I was going to   
  
be a father? But I dealt with it! I let go of the best part of me   
  
and all because of you!"  
  
God, I needed to hate her.  
  
I needed to feel something else than this pain that kept eating  
  
me up from inside.  
  
But I couldn't.  
  
I couldn't even hate her.  
  
I was empty.  
  
"I'm sorry! Do you think it was easy for me to come here? It wasn't  
  
like we were the best of friends."  
  
"And why is that, Luce, huh? Why is that!? You slept with my best  
  
friend, for God's sake!"  
  
"I said sorry for that."  
  
"Sorry. You said sorry. You sound like a child. Do you really think  
  
sorry would cut it this time?"  
  
"I don't know. All I know is that this is your child."  
  
"How do you know? You lied to me before. Why should I trust you  
  
this time?"  
  
"Because that was almost a year ago and there was no one else after him.   
  
Besides you."  
  
"How can I be sure?"  
  
"I don't know...You just have to trust me. I didn't come here to  
  
fight. I just came to let you know that you are going to be a father.."  
  
"And now I know. So what more do want from me, Luce?   
  
A heart? A lung?"  
  
"Don't be so dramatic!"  
  
"Dramatic? Dramatic? I just told the woman I love that I'm leaving.  
  
That I will never see her again!   
  
So how should I act to please you, huh?"  
  
"Jess, come on. I never meant to cause you any pain. I just saw  
  
it as my duty to tell you. Would you rather have me be quiet and  
  
you never know?"  
  
"No, of course not...."  
  
I lowered my head.  
  
Maybe I should accept that this is my life.  
  
That there wasn't more to life than this.  
  
Her hand touched my shoulder.  
  
"Jess, please...I couldn't take you hating me."  
  
"I don't hate you, Lucy."  
  
"All I want is for us to be a family. You, me and the baby."  
  
She stroked her growing belly with her free hand.  
  
"I just..."  
  
How could I tell her about this pain inside?  
  
How do you let go of something when every part of you is screaming  
  
to hold on?  
  
How do you stop your heart from longing?  
  
She rose from the couch and looked at me.  
  
"You need to sleep. You will feel better in the morning."  
  
Just like that.  
  
Like sleep could wash away the pain of a broken heart.  
  
Like time could mend everything.  
  
But I needed something.  
  
So I rose.  
  
She took my hand and guided me towards the bed.  
  
I didn't object.  
  
I felt like a zombie, only half alive.  
  
Maybe this was my destiny.  
  
To live without her.  
  
Maybe she was never mine in the first place.  
  
I lay down my broken body on the bed.  
  
I didn't bother to take off my clothes.  
  
She wrapped a blanket around me and whispered:  
  
"We'll be okay. The three of us...You'll see.."  
  
And I wished that I could believe that.  
  
She took the couch, without question.  
  
I lay there as the darkness of the night surrounded me, listening  
  
to her breathing.  
  
While memories washed over me.  
  
Making me crumble.  
  
Rory.  
  
I closed my eyes in a weak attempt to shut the pain out.  
  
I failed.  
  
And as I gave myself to the night I prayed to have beautiful dreams.  
  
And to be lifted away with them.  
  
---------------------------------  
  
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se 


	15. Never give all the heart

The fall of a sparrow  
  
by: Jessica  
  
"Never give all the heart"  
  
-----------------------------  
  
NOTE: Title of this chapter is taken from a poem by William Butler  
  
Yeats.  
  
Writing this chapter gave me alot of trouble. I don't like how  
  
it turned out. I thought about changing yet again. But I will leave  
  
it like this...So, I understand if you hate it. It's only one part  
  
left now, so thank God!:)   
  
--------------------------  
  
He had no strength left when she came to him.  
  
If he had he would have turned her away when she came to him.  
  
But he didn't.  
  
It was dark as she knocked on his door.  
  
Rain fell from a dark sky.  
  
She stood strong outside his door but he knew just by looking  
  
at her about the storm that raged inside of her.  
  
Her eyes seemed to occupy her whole face.  
  
Her skin seemed almost transparent.  
  
"Ben, I just...."  
  
She came with pleading eyes.  
  
With those words he surrendered.  
  
He took her into his arms.  
  
And he held her while tears rocked her body.  
  
He lifted her up on strong arms and carried her into the  
  
safety of his apartment.  
  
He laid her down on his couch, gently, afraid she might  
  
break if he moved too fast.  
  
He sat kneeled down beside her.  
  
His hands screamed out to touch her but he was afraid that she  
  
might move away if he tried.  
  
So he just lingered there, beside her, waiting.  
  
Eventually she moved.  
  
Her tears were all dried out now and left her eyes hollow as they  
  
met his.  
  
"He is gone, Ben. He just..."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"Jess, he left..."  
  
"What do you mean left?"  
  
"He is going back to Chicago."  
  
"But..."  
  
He could see the pain tearing through her body with every breath  
  
she took.  
  
"He is leaving me. He said that he loved me and now he is leaving..."  
  
"I don't understand."  
  
His first reaction was joy.  
  
His second reaction was hate for ever feeling that way.  
  
She was hurting and all he could think about was himself.  
  
But he shoved those feelings away and focused on her.  
  
"He is going to be a father."  
  
"A father? Are you pregnant?"  
  
He feared even saying the word for it meant the end of everything.  
  
"No. I'm not pregnant. His girlfriend is."  
  
"His girlfriend? What are you talking about?"  
  
She managed to sit up and wiped away the remaining tears on her cheek.  
  
"Her name is Lucy..."  
  
Her voice was barely a whisper as she continued:  
  
"They broke up a month before he left for Boston. Or at least that's  
  
what he told me. She came here today and told him..Told him that  
  
he is going to be a father. And he just dropped everything...Like  
  
it meant nothing...."  
  
"Are you sure that it is his baby?"  
  
"HOW SHOULD I KNOW!?"  
  
She rose from the couch.  
  
"I was just asking...."  
  
"Don't okay...Cause I don't know. He just dropped everything..  
  
He came to me tonight. He had packed his bags. And he told me   
  
that he was leaving..."  
  
Ben should be happy.  
  
That he knew.  
  
Everything he had prodicted had come through.  
  
Jess had broken her heart.  
  
But he couldn't feel joy.  
  
He felt nothing but pain for the sorrow that lived in her eyes now.  
  
And he wished there were some way he could reach inside of her  
  
and take away all the pain that ate at her heart.  
  
But he knew that he wasn't the one she wanted.  
  
He wasn't the one that could mend her heart.  
  
The one she wanted was leaving.  
  
"You'll get through this."  
  
She turned towards him.  
  
Her eyes were wild as they met his.  
  
"I DON'T WANT TO GET THROUGH THIS!"  
  
"I was just saying...If you let some time pass, then you will  
  
feel okay."  
  
"No, I won't..."  
  
"Believe me, you will..."  
  
"No, Ben. I will not feel fine.I let him go once. I let him leave..  
  
And I didn't follow him. I just let him go."  
  
"You were young..."  
  
"Well, I should have..."  
  
"God, Rory. You were young and he..."  
  
"But I'm doing the same thing again..."  
  
"You are not doing the same thing. He is!"  
  
"But still...I didn't stop him...I could have..."  
  
"What? He was the one that decided to go. No one made him go..and  
  
he could have asked you to go with him..."  
  
"He did..."  
  
Her words faded to black.  
  
She turned away from him.  
  
"But you just...."  
  
"He asked me to go with him, okay."  
  
"But why didn't you?"  
  
"I just...My life is here...Everything I have ever wanted is here..."  
  
"So you're ready to give him up for this?"  
  
She turned towards him.  
  
Tears made her sight blurry.  
  
"I..just..I don't..."  
  
She stumbled forward and he wrapped his arms around her.  
  
"He loves you..."  
  
"And I love him..."  
  
"So, what is the problem?"  
  
"Everything...My life is here."  
  
"But what life will you have without him? The man you love."  
  
He knew that he was losing her.  
  
Maybe she was never his in the first place.  
  
"What about my job? My apartment?"  
  
"There's jobs in Chicago...."  
  
"But..."  
  
"Are you ready to sacrifice him in favour of a job?"  
  
"I don't know...."  
  
"So you will stay here, then...And maybe eventually you will   
  
forget about him...It's hard. But you can make it."  
  
"How can you possible understand!?"  
  
He never knew words could hurt him like they did.  
  
Their eyes met and she realized what she just said.  
  
"Oh, God..I'm sorry..I didn't mean..."  
  
"No, it's okay..I understand..You didn't...."  
  
"It's just..."  
  
"I know..."  
  
"I didn't come here to hurt you...."  
  
"Then why did you?"  
  
"I wanted someone..."  
  
"And it just happen to be me.."  
  
"No, Ben. Not just you...You're my friend.."  
  
"Friend, huh...."  
  
"Yeah, friend..."  
  
"So from 'fiancè' to 'friend'"  
  
"Ben, don't do this...."  
  
"What? What am I doing? You came here. You came here crying over Jess."  
  
"I needed your help. I needed you...."  
  
"I can't help you. Can't you see that? What do you want me to say?  
  
That it's right to walk away? Cause, my answer is yes! Yes, I'm  
  
so glad that man is out of your life! He was nothing!"  
  
Anger filled him.  
  
It ran through his veins.  
  
"How can you say that?"  
  
"Cause, it's the truth. It's what I think. I knew from the moment  
  
he came into your life that it was just a matter of time until  
  
he broke your heart..."  
  
"He didn't break my heart.."  
  
"HA, you're such a bad liar."  
  
"He just..He had to go..He had the baby to think about."  
  
"Then what are you doing here? What are you doing here if you  
  
already made up your mind?"  
  
"I wanted your help."  
  
"Help? My help? With what? I can't give you any answers. You have  
  
to come up with them yourself. You are the only one that can   
  
tell you if you're ready to let him go."  
  
"But I'm not ready..."  
  
"Then, what's the problem?"  
  
Her eyes were dark as they met his.  
  
"I'm afraid...."  
  
"Afraid of what? He loves you, for god's sake. He told me that...  
  
I could see it in his eyes. They were glowing..."  
  
"But..What if?"  
  
"There's always what if...But the question is are you ready to let  
  
him go!? Are you ready to give him up?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Then, why are you standing here?! Go after him......"  
  
"But..."  
  
"Rory, please..go..You have to go...He loves you. You love him..."  
  
"Ben, I..."  
  
He stood there and watched as she moved towards the door.  
  
He knew that he had lost her.  
  
He had let her go.  
  
She opened the door, stopped in the doorway and turned around.  
  
Their eyes met.  
  
"Goodbye, Ben...I love you..."  
  
Then she was gone.  
  
And as he stood there he whispered:  
  
"I love you too....."  
  
--------------------------------  
  
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se 


	16. Return to me

.................

"**so let his heart surround you, **

**and let his arms protect you**

**and hold you every morning the way that I could never do**

**another life has blessed you, **

**he wants the same as you do**

**so I must find the courage to send you on your way"**

( From "_On your way_" by Eastmountainsouth )

Note: This is the last part! YEAH! Thank you to Sandra, a.ka, Lukerules, for beta

Reading all of this. And to all of you that reviewed. Thank you!

------------------------------

The fall of a sparrow

**"Return to me"**

by: Jessica

--------------------------------------

Jess POV

----------

I woke out of breath the next morning.

The sun hadn't yet risen on the sky.

Every part of my body ached as I rose from the bed.

She was still sleeping on the couch.

I stumbled towards the bathroom.

I peel of my clothes and grant my broken body a few minutes 

under the shower.

Trying to get warm.

Then I leave.

To stand in front of the mirror for a while.

A pale face met me.

Eyes that had lost their glow.

It was a stranger that looked back at me.

A broken being.

Eventually I move and dressed in the dim lights of

the bathroom.

Then I returned to the bedroom.

To wake her.

Lucy.

I kneeled down beside her and touched her arm.

She opened her eyes and smiled at me.

I wanted to say something.

Anything.

But my mouth couldn't form the words.

I turned away from her, afraid that she might see the pain in

my eyes and understand.

"Shall I order breakfast?"

"Shouldn't you get ready?"

My voice seemed hollow.

"We have got time for breakfast, don't we?"

"I guess..."

The bags were all packed and sat by the door.

They seemed to call out to me, mocking me, haunting me.

It was only a few hours now, and then this life would

just be a memory of what once was.

Her voice pierced the silence of the room as she ordered breakfast.

I stumbled towards the couch and sat down.

My body felt hollow.

It felt like every part of me would scatter for the wind and it was 

only my skin that held it back.

I kept reminding my heart that I made the choice to leave.

But my head kept screaming of her own part in all of this.

I kept remembering her words as she proclaimed that she wouldn't

come with me.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Maybe I had no right to ask her to give up everything for me.

Who was I?

No one.

A nobody.

Maybe she was right.

What if she had gone with me and two years down the line she 

would hate me for ever making her give up her dream?

Her dream was being a journalist.

To see the world.

Maybe I should just let go of her once and for all.

Maybe I should let go and see how she flies.

I just wished it wouldn't hurt so.

------------------------------------------------

Rory POV

-------------------------

My intention was to find him.

My intention was to stop him.

To tell him the truth.

To make him forgive me.

I had it all planned out.

I had worked all through the night, forming my plan.

I meant to dazzle him with my words.

To make him fall for me.

To make him take me back.

I will admit that it scared me.

The thought of opening my heart so fully.

To give him my heart once again.

But I had to do it.

I had to sacrifice everything.

Because I knew that if I didn't I would

surely perish.

So when morning broke that day I was prepared.

I drove like a madman.

It was amazing that I didn't crash into something.

Cold winds blew in from the west and brought with it the first snow.

It painted the world in white and everything seemed to slow down.

As I head down the road towards the airport a smile painted my

face.

For once in my life I was following my heart.

I was reaching out and taking what I wanted.

It's the little things I remember.

The snow that painted the road.

The cold wind against my cheek.

Some sappy love song streamed out from the radio.

Words like "love" and "Eternity" flew into the air and surrounded me.

And I knew that I was happy.

It all happened so fast.

Maybe there were things I should have done to avoid it.

Maybe I wasn't looking.

I like to think it was fate.

It wasn't anybodies fault.

It was an icy road.

It was just a bend in the road.

Nothing else.

Then a deer.

I hit the braks, to save the animal.

To save another.

I knew instantly that it was a mistake.

Fear gripped at my core as the car went flying.

And there was nothing I could do to stop it.

The tree came suddenly.

It just appeared.

There was nothing I could do to stop it from happening.

His name escaped my lips like he could save me now.

The last thing I remember was his face before me.

Then darkness.

----------------------------------

Jess POV

-----------------------------------

The airport was crowded as we got there.

She kept talking about everything and nothing.

I didn't listen.

I was prepared.

I went through the motion as we checked in our bags

and walked towards the gate.

I kept searching for her face in the crowd, hoping that she

might change her mind.

I lingered by the gate, searching for her.

For Rory.

Hoping.

Waiting.

"Come back to me......"

My words were just a whisper.

But I knew that it was no use.

She had made up her mind.

So it was no use in hoping.

"Jess? Are you coming?"

Lucy was standing a few meters a head of me, ready to board the plane.

Our eyes met.

_Let her go_!!

Maybe this was letting go.

Maybe it was time.

"Yes."

I walked towards her and took her hand in mind.

Together we walked towards the plane.

This is letting go.

-------------------------------------------

Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se


End file.
